The Worried Mom

In many ways, I'm so easy going with this new baby. I've got experience on my side. I know that babies are generally happy, healthy, and meet their milestones even with less than ideal conditions (see fostering).
On the other hand, I have experience. I've witnessed wonderful families face challenges of ill babies (or worse!) and babies that don't meet milestones. Rye feels like such an incredible surprise, so I think I'm holding my breath - half expecting a challenge - while knowing it's silly to worry and arguably a BAD thing - I should just enjoy this time!
So while looking up "baby not making eye contact" I hear cooing and glance down at my bright eyed infant, looking directly at me, and grinning big.
Stop worrying.

PS The outside of average is 3mos - not the time to worry yet.

Hawkin' a Loogie: A Secret How to

 

I've been sick.
This is the second time this winter.
And that's just crazy.
I literally did.not.ever get sick before kids entered the scene.
And ever since I those babies showed up with their big eyes and pudgy cheeks I'm usually sick at least once a year.

So I got some advice from Noah as I horsed out my words while reading Life of Fred insisting that today we really would only be able to do one chapter.
"Mom," he said. "I know what to do to make your voice better."
"You do?" I asked all husky and barely audible.
"Yeah, you just do this: *draws a bunch of saliva into his mouth loudly* and den dis" he says with his mouth full of saliva.
"What do you mean?" I asked.
"Then sometimes there's a thing in your mouth," he explained, "and you spit it out .... it's like what Ugug (my brother) does all the time."
"Oh, okay" I replied, not sure what to do next.
Then he lowered his voice and said: "I figured that out by myself but this is the first time I've ever told anyone."

Oh! The secrets mothers are told ....

Thankful

 

Noah has been doing what I've been trying to do over and over and over again. (I'm actually quite embarrassed by this ... I was recently stumbling through past entries and saw the repeated promise of actively seeking peaceful joyful moments and being thankful for the small things.)

So I'm taking notes.

Noah has done this before but I am surprised every time.

We'd said our goodnights, I was walking away.

"And Mom," he said, "thanks for changing my sheets."

The response that tries to rise up is: "don't be thankful, of course you can have clean sheets!"
But then I realize: Yes, good idea. Be thankful for sheets. For clean sheets. For a mom who changes them.

Isn't that the better approach? To just feel grateful for the small details?

He's thanked me in the past for doing his laundry.
This might be because apparently we don't do it enough.
He requested a separate laundry basket and now starts a load from the basket that he shares with his sister. And I watch, impressed.

He's also thanked me for making dinner.

So even though thanksgiving is over and it's no longer the seasonal thing to ponder ... we're still dwelling in a state of thankfulness for the relationships we have, the moments with people, the security of each other, the small routines, and each other.

Current Favorite Mommy Trick

Kate first introduced me to the "Wobbly Tray". I don't know where the name came from (the tray wobbles?) but it's stuck.
I don't always remember the Wobbly Tray trick but when I do, it's always a hit.
Filling a cupcake tray with various snacks apparently makes snacks far more appetizing.
Try it.
You'll see.

 

When the kids were younger I left a Wobbly Tray on our coffee table for grazing purposes. Now they like to sit side by side at the table and create a plan of attack (usually this is lead by Ark Boy who coaches Farm Girl on saving the perceived best food item for last).

** For those who have to know, this Wobbly Tray featured (from left to right) raisins, broccoli, raisins, (bottom row) broccoli, dates, raspberries. **

What's your current favorite "Mommy Trick" (because you can never have too many!)?

home (for now)

Wow.
When you think things can't get more hectic ... it does.
We're now living in our 4th house of 2011.
And Christmas?
When is that again.
Wait.
THIS month?
I don't have time!

We slept for the first time at Winter Hill House the night before Thanksgiving.
It's amazing what the change in house has done for my outlook on life. It's also funny because we lived in this house when it was first purchased early in our marriage for about 6mos - so it's funny to come back.

I love our paint choices for the living room and kitchen.

Our room smells like b.o.
Seriously.
It could use a carpet being ripped out, and paint.
It's our short term lay over until we move (again).
But I'll take the beautiful living room/dining room and kitchen.

 

 

And we're hanging laundry to dry again.

 

And rediscovering our canned/dried/frozen/fresh farm yumminess.

 

I cooked soup and bread.
Both were unappetizing.
What can you expect from a person who has been unable to cook comfortably for about 5 months?
The point wasn't necessarily the end result (although I was disappointed) the point was the process.
Is the double wide what I want?
It could work. Much better than I thought, even.
We would rip out our bedroom carpet, replace moldings, install a woodstove, buy a couch ... if this was our home for longer term. But that plan changed and we're happy (thrilled!) to have this time in our own home for as long as we need.
Now we wait for my parents house to sell in MA. Hopefully the wait isn't too long because it puts our farming on hold somewhat. I'm anxious to order chicks for next year because I want to get some of a breed that is limited in supply. But where to send them to? If we have to wait a year on them, that's okay. Or we can order them and have them sent here as we don't anticipate being too far from here.

In the meantime I'm cooking, cleaning, crafting, photographing to an extent I haven't felt able for months and it's soooo liberating!
It's our first house with a window above the kitchen sink.

 

We finally have our books on shelves (they've been stacked on the floor and in boxes at our previous house). We were never settled at Ren Man's grandparents. We were always still unpacking because it never felt permanent. Books on shelves is more settling.

 

The kids have a playroom that all toys stay in, more or less. And no, it's not neat all the time ever. But it doesn't matter. No one is is judging. And if they are ... no, actually, I don't think anyone is because judge-y people haven't been up to visit (we're still definitely in the throes of unpacking - we still have stuff at Ren Man's grandparents and parents).

 

And the view. Yep. It's good. It makes me sad to leave it behind and see what is being done to this land but focusing on the now. It's just a good view.

 

"This time is so short"

Really?
How many times do parents hear this??
I get it.
It hindsight it seems short.
Even when you're in it the years seem to slide by quickly.
But to call this time "short".
I don't buy it.
Especially when you're a 50+ year old woman who still has high school aged kids.
This time is "short"?
You're 50 years old!
I'm not saying 50 is old but I am saying that at 50 you're probably not raring to go out and start a new wild adventure.
Maybe you are.
I don't know.
I'm not 50.
I just think that when I look back at 50 I'm not going to feel that the time with young kids was short.
I assume I'll feel like I wish it had lasted longer - but not that it's short.
I think this phrase comes across in a regretful tone too. Like you didn't enjoy it to its fullest?
Well, part of me feels like I am - enjoying it to the fullest I can while I'm in it. Right now, while I'm in it - I am living the tight squeeze hugs along with the irrational screamed demands. It's not so sugar coated.

At best, 50 is midlife, right?
And to feel that at midlife the time you committed to kids (20 of those 50 years?) was short ... that doesn't make any sense to me.
But maybe that's just because 20 seems like a lot of years when I only have 8 spare years to those 20?
Maybe when I'm 50 I'll come back and smack my 28 year old self.
In the mean time - don't tell me this time is short.
I've heard it.
I don't buy it.
I might scream in your face that you're a delusional old person.
You've been warned.

New PJs

Sometimes my mother - when she thinks she can risk the wrath of her daughter* - brings the children clothes.
Recently said mother risked wrath and brought the children several items of clothing ("there was such a great deal - I saved so much money!" "No mother, you did not save any money - you spent money, even if there was a sale you spent money you wouldn't have spent had you not walked into store in the first place" [Sarah can be very black-and-white, to say the least])

Despite Sarah's reaction children were very excited about new clothes.
Farm Girl's looked familiar ... then I realized ... I had seen them before on my St. Mike's -Room mates- son's body - in a slightly smaller form.
Very funny.
And ... I should mention that these pjs create very snugly kids. Actually Ark Boy calls them "too comfortable" sometimes and opts to wear something else. What he means by "too comfortable" is too hot.


*wrath is not meaning less than grateful for generosity of mother
wrath is a result of:
a) feeling like children do not need said items
b)feeling that mother spent too much money
c) feeling that money should not be spent on clothing companies that have terrible clothing-making policies

On TV

In the beginning (pre-marriage) I said no tv.
Not just no tv-watching
literally- no glowing box in our future house.
Ren Man loves video games.
Agree to TV if we leave it in a secret closet and theoretical kids do not know it exists.
Ren Man's college TV follows us into marriage.
Hmmmmm....
Then pregnancy exhaustion+depressing job=no motivation to move+excessive tv watching on my part.
Then the miracle that is Ark Boy arrives
No more TV
There's no time.
Seven months pass.
Show Ark Boy signing video.
He loves it.
We'll do signing videos.
Over time Ark Boy has signing video addiction.
Decide to limit video watching.
Successful.
Start introducing other movies (Shrek, Chicken Run, Garfield, Nemo).
Notice Ark Boy prefers non-signing videos.
Okay... we're okay with that.
Notice he shows us an action then says that the chicken did this or the orange cat did that.
Hmmm....
Notice Ark Boy would prefer to watch videos rather than most any other thing.
Decide videos are taking over his sedate life.
Have decided to wean him off videos in our house (doesn't apply to someone else's home we happen to be in).
We'll see how this goes....

It takes a village

I have a job.
No longer *just* a mom.
It's part time.
It ends in 10 weeks.
So far
so good....
no, not good
great.
Sad that it won't continue next year.
Enjoying while it lasts.
Before being offered the position officially I had two "trial" days to see how things would go.
Coincidentally Ren Man had a conference that meant he was unable to be home with the kids.
as an aside: this lead to a very interesting situation.
Ren Man had to be at "work" so finding child care became my responsibility.
For both days he insisted that he needed the cell phone
but wasn't comfortable being the one people would call if there was an issue with the kids.
And Ren Man is the most non-traditional father I know.
Interesting to see how our lives might('ve) be(en) if/when he gets a full time job.
Ren Man was away for one of the days in NYC.
My mom, thankfully, came to be with the kids.
Farm Girl was a wreck most of the day.
Mommy guilt.
I also learned that I was expected to be at work all day the next day when I had anticipated only being needed for a half day.
Feel like crying.
The person I've asked to watch Farm Girl is doing so out of the goodness of her heart and for me to ask her to watch the girl all day....
going to cry.
My mom takes Ark Boy to her house for a long weekend.
Friend calls to double check everything is set for the next day.
Ask about her watching Farm Girl all day.
Not a problem, at all, she says.
Feel like crying again.
In a good way.
Farm Girl has barely napped.
Decide to put her down for the night at usual time despite Ren Man needing to be picked up from train station at 9:50.
At 7pm decide to ask friend down the street to come at sit for an hour so I don't have to bring Farm Girl with me.
Absolutely she says.
Feeling so wonderful about wonderful "village" we have.
Farm Girl opts to wake up 3 times in the ten minutes before I have to leave.
Decide to bring her with me.
Friend is very understanding.

Next morning wake up insanely early to get to other friends house who lives about 20mins on the other side of work from our house.
Do fairly quick drop and run.
Guilt.
But not as much as I expected.
Ask friend to nurse Farm Girl, if she'd like, as it might be easier.
At end of day am running late.
Very late.
Get to friend's house expecting red faced screaming Farm Girl.
She waves from other side of room.
I scoop her up.
Nurse her like crazy.
She crawls away to play more.
Very very impressed.
And she nursed 3 times while I was gone.
Am told that she was not cranky.
Relieved.
Love friends.
Love village.
Love job.

get this off my chest first

Yes, yes- today is Del's birthday!
Yah!
I know, I haven't blogged in eons and an explanation is needed.
Must give explanation before writing Del's letter or it will all come out in the letter... and I don't want that to happen.
I've been in such a grouchy mood for.... ever it feels like.
Too nervous to blog in such a foul state
nervous the foul-ness will be passed on and I don't want to do that.
Hence
avoiding blog.
No particular reason for awful mood- I think just mom-ness getting me down.
It happens.
It's getting better.
More blog entries to come
I'm sure.
In the meantime- here are diapers I miraculously found time to make and there has been a request for pictures.
Here are the fitteds:

And here are the covers (the yellow one is butt forward so the applique is in view).

There have been some design changes and I'm still working out kinks but they are hands down my favorite now. So far the covers are leak-proof and I have such a sense of satisfaction at having made them. I would have sooner (like when Noah was months old) but at the time thought PUL was the only cover option and PUL scares me (in an: "I'm scared to sew with it" way, not an: "it's not environmentally okay" way).

Hoping to write Del's letter tonight...

On babyproofing

There was a long debate on babyproofing on a mothering forum I joined.
For better or worse.
I've been telling everyone the full long detailed story irl- so I'll avoid doing that here.
Leave it at: in conclusion my feelings remain the same:
babyproof as needed.
For instance: I have every confidence that Farm Girl can climb stairs safely.
There is no gate on the bottom of our stairs.
I am sure to keep an ear out and if she's on the stairs I speed over there to stay behind her.
This may create more work for me but I'd prefer she get lots of practice climbing our stairs.
She may fall.
It will be sad.
But for me, it's worth that risk (which I see as minimal).
I am also confident in her ability on the top of the stairs, on our bed, on the couch, or on any other elevated surface.
She can't climb down but she is very aware of the edge and has never lunged off a surface (this surprises me a lot). She has however, had her back to an edge and when moving from a crawling to a sitting position has almost fallen as she sits on the nothing-ness that is past the edge of an elevated surface.
Having seen her do this we do put up a gate (resting against the walls that make up the opening) at the top of the stairs when she's up there crawling around and we're not with her (upstairs but not following her around).
We call it a visual barrier.
Every mother (of young kids or adults) has said they did a similar method of babyproofing.
I feel validated in my choices.
Puffed up like a proud hen.
Farm Girl was cranky cranky and not staying alseep in the transfer from rocking to crib so I nursed her to sleep in our bed.
Then left.
There's a guard rail.
Placed other pillows around.
Heard her 1/2 an hour later (frustrating!).
Marched up the stairs (squeezing up the stairs is more like it- remember the puffy hen thing is going on)
at the top of the stairs I hear it.
She's fallen off the bed.

Hen deflates
quickly.
This picture is from the day after.
The ouchy healed surprisingly quickly.
No harm done.
Only killed the puffy hen.
I don't think that's a bad thing:)

I have to confess that this entry is about 2 weeks overdue. Life happens. Entries don't get written. That was too good of a bruise/scrape/cut not to share though.

easy going mommy

Whenever we have kids over I insist that there be minimal rules.
Someone wants to jump on Ark Boy's bed.
Sure, go ahead.
Someone wants to throw all the prefolds down the stairs.
Sure, go ahead.
Someone wants to throw all the alphabet magnets across the kitchen.
Sure, go ahead.
Nothing in our house is breakable.
If it is- too bad on us- it shouldn't be in a house where kids are welcome.
And "kids are welcome" trumps "that's irreplaceable!" any day.
Part of it is laziness.
Most of it is that everything can be cleaned up.
No need to stress kids out with unnecessary rules at this house.
Be gentle with others is a non-negotiable rule.
No food in the living room is negotiable.
No need to stress out parents.
This is not a house where they need to be on edge when the come to visit- always waiting for a loud crash/cry/indicator that their child has done *something*.

At least this is how I've felt up until now.
What changed all that?
Crazy playgroup (imagine 10+ kids ages 6mos to 8 years indoors- need I say more?) didn't do it.
In fact I like having playgroup here because I know I don't have to worry about my kids damaging someone else's things (maybe someone else's children- but that's another story).

We recently had a friend over.
She has two kids.
Her three year old son started frantically pulling alphabet magnets off the fridge.
Sure, go ahead.
Then he started flinging them into the living room.
Sure, go ahead.
His mom reminded him that magnets stay on the fridge.
I told her it was no problem.
Really.
So she didn't say anything more to her son.
Soon Ark Boy wandered over to get in on the action as did the boy's almost-2-year-old sister.
No problem.
As I watched I saw all three kids get more and more wound.

Then I realized.

My easy going minimal rule philosophy might not be best.
Instead of kids feeling relaxed as they get to just be
they get more and more wound up with minimal guidelines.
Maybe it's the difference between parenting one toddler (is he considered a toddler still?) and parenting several toddlers at once.
Ark Boy would never think to pull all the magnets off of the fridge (or throw things down the stairs.... jumping on the bed is another story- but not a big deal when it is ONE kid jumping on the bed). If Ark Boy thought to do something like pull the magnets off of the fridge his attention span with the task at hand would not last long enough to have all the magnets on the floor.

I think what I'm saying is:
there's a difference between what one kid can manage to accomplish (good or bad) and several kids can accomplish.
rules aren't always a bad thing.

I still intend to be the most laid back mom you ever knew but maybe not soooo laid back....
We'll see...
that whole laziness piece might be a bigger piece of the puzzle than I realize....

pregnant...

Had midwife appt for annual.
Explained that since we aren't abstaining we could possibly be pregnant
but unlikely
peed in cup
hear midwife in lab
"this one's Sarah's?... She's pregnant"
go hot
go cold
pregnant?
eek.
Okay.
It's okay.
Right.
It will only happen if it's meant to happen.
"six..."
did she say six?
maybe a room number?
check door.
big seven on door.
not pregnant.
phew!
wait- did she say six?
moment to think again.
I think she said six.
Midwife enters room.
"So you're not pregnant"
"I'm not? Oh!... You scared me!"
"Sorry, the lab tech wasn't making eye contact to confirm what I was seeing"
Sad not to see midwife for another year.
remind self that wanting to see midwife more regularly is no reason to make baby.
Go home.
Five minutes after getting home very very thankful to have two and no more at the moment.

ahhh!

I know.
I know.
Del needs a letter.
8 months was Thanksgiving day.
We were in VT.
Me and dial up.
not going to happen.
It's on my to-do list I swear.
I am up to my eye balls editing pictures but the pile is getting lower and lower.
Want to see?
Check out Brown Eyed Photography blog.
In the mean time...
two pictures from Thanksgiving.
In the end I took over 400 pictures but only about 10 were of Ren Man or the kids.
Here's a funny one- Ren Man was helping me figure out lighting.

And here's Del with her Great Grampy.
I regret we don't have any pictures of the kids with their other Great Grampy- so I made sure to get some with this one while we were up.

In other news:
I have an interview in about an hour.
I'm half talking myself out of it... I'm not positive what it entails (it's for a "teaching partner" position) and I'm reasoning that if the pay isn't more than I make an hour subbing then I'll say no.
I think it could possibly put me in a good position for next year too... maybe have my own classroom!

Complete 180

Remember this post?
Yeah, the one I wrote, ummm...
2 days ago.
Well
I'm changing my plan
again.
I think 1/2 my problem is that I'm worried about what other people will think.
I'm worried about what I'll think of myself.
We've always said we didn't want the kids in daycare because we want to raise them.
We had kids for a reason- and that reason wasn't to send them off to someone else.
But I've been reassessing this stance lately.
Research is showing that kids "raised" in daycare are the same as kids raised solely by their mothers.
Research is also showing that while working mothers struggle more with guilt, they don't have self confidence issues once children are older, like stay at home moms do.
I've also read the argument: how/why is it a bad thing to introduce more loving adults into your childrens' lives.
Hmmm.
I've been super concerned about what Ren Man thinks/wants.
He keeps saying: "what do you want?"
What I want is for him to tell me what he wants.
Last night we talked finances.
We always knew with the bigger/nicer house and nicer car I would need to work- at least part time.
But I'm feeling so disjointed with this sub thing.
I make plans and inevitably within 5 minutes the woman calls asking me to sub the next day.
When I can, I change my plans.
But this is driving me crazy.
I also feel like part time work is looked down upon and is it worth the hassle at that hourly rate?
So I sent out two resumes today.
Just two.
I'm nervous and half expecting not to hear anything back.
Both are long term sub positions.
Like a test drive.
Minimal commitment.
After Thanksgiving I'll follow up.
If they don't seem to be going anywhere maybe I will send out more.
I'm really really going to miss the kids.
But at the moment I'm really really missing myself.
And if I keep going on being the mom I've been for the past month or so (not good)- I know someone can do a better job.
The last few days have been better.
I think because I've had playgroup, I've subbed once, we've been talking about me taking on a full time job...
Now we wait.
I think either way I'll be okay.
If it happens- great.
If not- great. I'll keep subbing until something else happens.

Occupation: MOM

Lately feeling very frustrated
Can't pin myself down
Want to do everything (mom, teach, midwife, read, photograph, write)
and nothing (sleep for a week)
feeling frustrated by indecisiveness and that everything isn't instant (kid are grown and successful, have been teaching for 37 years and making huge positive impact on students and community, helping moms catch their babies as they're born, reading fascinating books, photographing like I was born doing it, writing novels that no one can put down while sleeping- is evidently by dream).
I've been feeling so frustrated and held down by kids.
I think the book club book Flux got me really thinking about this.
Unfortunately I had to return the book to the library before getting to through the last portion where hopefully some closure is hiding because I'm going a little crazy.
For the record- the book has been ordered.
In light of all this I've been considering long-term sub positions and having the kids do daycare part time so Ren Man can get some school work done.
Research is showing that there are no differences between children who are raised in daycare and those that are raised by a stay at home mom.
Begin looking for positions.
Get nervous about not being hired.
And then start to think of the things I might miss (first step, discovery of a vividly colored leaf, watching a friendship develop, etc. etc.).
So I pause on the search.
Decide my "job" right now is mommyhood.
Decide to work on dedicating more thought/energy into the kids.
At the moment most of my kid oriented energy is poured into ways to get them to entertain themselves.
So that whole- quantity vs. quality time....
I am spending a lot of time in the same room with them but I'm not really with them.
Trying to work on that.
But know also that it will probably never be enough... for me or society's idea of The Mom.

This and That OR Mommy Wars

From conception being a parent is about making decisions
the right decisions
but everything is in shades of gray
No sunblock= skin cancer
sunblock= no vitamin D
vaccine= no scary illness (or so the theory goes)
no vaccine= no side effects
haircut on Ark Boy= get hair out of eyes
no haircut= ignores gender rules
cloth diapers= no scary chemicals, minimal trash, no human waste in trash dump
disposable diapers= easier
circumsizing= cultural norm
intact= no unnecessary surgery, no risk of post surgery complications
babywearing= calmer baby, no need to buy stroller
non babywearing= could be less expensive depending on extent of babywearing obsession
homebirth= just as safe- if not safer- than a hospital birth for low risk pregnancy
hospital= have option to stay 48hrs and be taken care of
breastfeeding= convenient, best for baby and momma
formula= .... yeah can't think of anything

The point is parenting is about choices
and you make the best ones you know how
Naturally I'm making the best decisions for my kids- so you should follow my example
and the mommy wars begin
It's so hard to not feel incredibly passionate about your decisions as you've invested all this time researching in order to make the *best* decision
It's hard when someone doesn't make the same choices
but then
I step back
and remember
just like me
they're doing what they think is best
and they probably don't agree with all the parenting decisions we've made
and that's okay

Alumni Event

Spiffy invitation arrived in mail promising casual family cookout
at the home of someone who lives in a very expensive town
casual
yeah right
Nervous, convinced we'd be the youngest alum
Decided to attend anyway

Cookout was catered
By company Ren Man is working for over the summer
Ren Man has inside scoop:
58 adults
10 children
ribs, potato salad, pasta salad, chicken, hotdogs

Arrived at insanely large house
Rang bell
Knocked on door
No answer
Peeked around one side of house
Spotted tent through windows on other side of house
Walked around to front of house
Spotted a man who looked like the new president of alma mater
He said "hi" and waited with me while I waited for Ren Man and Ark Boy to catch up
Commented on Farm Girl's cute-ness
Ren Man caught up
President introduced himself to Ren Man and shook his hand before turning to me
Made huge conscious effort to keep jaw from hitting ground
Resolved never to donate to college
Very offended

Walked to tent
Ark boy spotted water
Yes, the house was on the water
make that the ocean
Ark Boy walked purposefully across enormous lawn to stand on dock
Felt very isolated sitting in corner of tent
and young
too young and unsure to socialize
Ren Man came back towards tent signing "potty"
Gave Ren Man diaper/wipes and he took Ark Boy to car to change him
Meanwhile two families with kids arrived
Felt ridiculous standing in corner of tent with wrapped Farm Girl and no one else around
Perhaps I appear unapproachable
Impossible to imagine
Can think of no better explanation

Finally Ark Boy and Ren Man return and Ark Boy discovers swing set that is now being utilized by other children.
Strike up conversation with a couple
Very friendly
Discuss mutually agreed upon importance of avoiding daycare
Wife agrees that it's hard to be isolated and solely responsible for offspring and childrearing
Feel reassured about being at alumni event with sexist president at intimidatingly expensive house
Dinner is served
Sit with another family

"Do you work?" Asks mom.
What am I to say?
"Yes, I work 24/7 with no weekends or holidays but I think it's worth it"
In reality I say: "I just finished my masters, now I'm staying home"
So short answer is "no"
but why?
Work much longer harder hours than ever when working at a "real" job
But my "job" doesn't count
Can't resist
Ask: "Do you work?"
"No (sounding ashamed *shock* despite the 3 sons sitting with her).... I started making handmade stationary but it's only out of my home"
Reply enthusiastically about her stationary business
She self depreciates
argh
Few minutes later when speaking with Ren Man she refers to a job she has (that's right- "haS" not "haD" at a local University
Dumb

Later speak with Dad of yet another family
Again we talk of challenges of raising a family/ mom staying at home etc.

Interesting that these women- all with at least Bachelors- are choosing to stay home
and yet also feeling somewhat ashamed and restricted by this decision

Mommy brain (The price of being *just* a mom part II)

I resist and resent the term "Mommy Brain"
As if being a mommy deserves a new definition of "brain"
a lesser brain than the average
I managed to keep my regular brain status intact throughout my first pregnancy and baby
When the second pregnancy started... the so called mommy brain kicked in
much to my annoyance
I'm constantly forgetting things
mid sentence
this is incredibly frustrating
evidently it's because mommies multi task
makes sense
So shouldn't a "Mommy Brain" be seen as superior
Not synonymous with that flighty forgetful person with sloppy hair who hasn't bothered to shave for weeks?
But no.
Mommies aren't superior
They never are
Mommies are looked down on
Not sure why
Everyone has one
Maybe that's the problem
There are so many they are a dime a dozen?
Is that it?

So I apologize if I forget this or that detail
But I applaud myself for keeping track of one independent and very mobile toddler while keeping an infant satisfied (usually) and my sanity intact (for the most part).
And I try very hard to recognize the great-ness that is my mom self and ignore all of the people that seem to look down on my mom status or seem impatient with me as I forget the story I was trying to tell...again.
But then maybe I'm not looked down upon?
Maybe this is a reflection of my own insecurity in my role as a mother and reflects how I have felt about mothers in the past?
I hope not.

I hope that I am putting a positive spin on motherhood for the mothers that will follow me.
I hope other women and girls see a confident and happy woman when they see me.
I hope they see breastfeeding as normal.
I hope they see normal birth as normal (and yes- I meant to call it a "normal birth").
I hope they see that responding to baby's cries immediately is normal.
I hope I live up to these expectations and instead don't come across as the harried frantic mother of two who is completely overwhelmed- that I sometimes feel
although it's getting better
and better

5:40am

"help, mommy! Fix it!"
Hear Ren Man closing gate as he leaves for work
Assume it's close to 7- when Ark Boy usually wakes up
Try to move quickly from the bed hoping Ark Boy's demands don't wake Farm Girl
Glance at alarm clock
5:40am
You're kidding
Pull Ark Boy out of bedroom to help him button up his shirt
Yep, he slept in the button down shirt that he wore yesterday because he didn't want to take it off last night
Assuming he would wake in the night I unbuttoned most of the buttons intending to remove it sometime in the night
But he had slept all night
well
until 5:40am
When he insisted on getting in the "big bed"
Farm Girl woke
Nursed her with Ark Boy yelling for me to turn towards him to spoon
Ark Boy starts crying
Farm Girl crying
Not even 6am and both kids are crying at once- very familiar with this scenario- just not happy it's started so early
Ark Boy insisted he was hungry
Leave Farm Girl to go get breakfast
Ark Boy doesn't want breakfast
He wants lunch
Offer him everything in the fridge
Nothing is appealing apparently
except
cheese
he's on a cheese kick
quickly cut 3 pieces of cheese
Hear Farm Girl getting more upset
put cheese on small plate from last night
move to stairs
Ark Boy starts crying
insists mommy stays down stairs
attempt to patiently explain that Farm Girl needs mommy
Ark Boy wants to come upstairs
Repeat process of Farm Girl almost falling asleep and then being woken by Ark Boy's talking
Finally Farm Girl falls asleep
Don't expect her to stay asleep
Bring Ark Boy for cheese and blueberries downstairs
Turn on Signing Time hoping he'll notice and not come back upstairs
Check on Farm Girl
Still sleeping
phew
she needs her sleep!
Turn on computer
put in contacts
start to feel more human
decide to sneak in shower before Farm Girl wakes up and maybe Ark Boy will remain on the couch
feel guilty for wishing couch potato-dom on Ark Boy
Check email
check on Farm Girl
See that she's stirring
oh no
Ark Boy starts calling for mommy
Go ask if he wants to shower in hopes that he'll be quiet and not speed up Farm Girls awakening
he doesn't want to shower
change his diaper
he wants to shower
take diaper off
Put Ark Boy in shower
Check on Farm Girl
Awake
not fussing
debate putting in bouncy seat but reason she'll be equally content- or not- either way
leave in bed
take quick shower
Hear Farm Girl
Turn off shower
Leave Ark Boy to play with bath toys
Try to get dressed
have nothing to wear!
clothes are overflowing from every crevice but have nothing to wear?!?!
hate this feeling
jeans and tshirt
Try to nurse Farm Girl
Dress Farm Girl
Diaper resistant Ark Boy
Ark Boy wants hugs
Farm Girl NEEDS hugs
distract Ark Boy with "lunch"
Wants more cheese
and more
and more
cheese all gone
blow bubbles for cranky Ark Boy
Farm Girl gets fussy around 9am
try to get her to sleep
Ark Boy wants mommy
Farm Girl NEEDS mommy
This isn't working
keep trying to put Farm Girl in swing and hold pacifier in mouth
Feel stupid for not holding her and for trying to pacify her with... what are pacifiers made out of? silicone?
Ark Boy runs to kitchen to talk loud
Farm Girl seems pacified
sneak to living room to play ball with Ark Boy
Hear Farm Girl get more upset
Try to explain to Ark Boy that he has to stay downstairs
doesn't work
Put on "Ark Boy TV" (homevideo) in hopes it will distract him from coming upstairs
Sneak upstairs with Farm Girl and nurse her in bed
Hear Ark Boy looking for me
Don't respond
Farm Girl needs her sleep
In no time she's asleep
Quietly go back down stairs
It's 10am
Ark Boy is pleasantly surprised to see me
Asks to sit on lap while watching "Ark Boy TV"
Feeling resentful but know that he's just needing more mommy because of recent stressors
Try to ignore resentment
Ask if Ark Boy wants to cuddle with mommy in Ark Boy's bed hoping he doesn't suggest cuddling happen in "Big Bed"
He says no
5mins later ask super cuddly Ark Boy same question
He enthusiastically agrees
Sneak back out of his room at 10:25