Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Occupation: MOM

Lately feeling very frustrated
Can't pin myself down
Want to do everything (mom, teach, midwife, read, photograph, write)
and nothing (sleep for a week)
feeling frustrated by indecisiveness and that everything isn't instant (kid are grown and successful, have been teaching for 37 years and making huge positive impact on students and community, helping moms catch their babies as they're born, reading fascinating books, photographing like I was born doing it, writing novels that no one can put down while sleeping- is evidently by dream).
I've been feeling so frustrated and held down by kids.
I think the book club book Flux got me really thinking about this.
Unfortunately I had to return the book to the library before getting to through the last portion where hopefully some closure is hiding because I'm going a little crazy.
For the record- the book has been ordered.
In light of all this I've been considering long-term sub positions and having the kids do daycare part time so Ren Man can get some school work done.
Research is showing that there are no differences between children who are raised in daycare and those that are raised by a stay at home mom.
Begin looking for positions.
Get nervous about not being hired.
And then start to think of the things I might miss (first step, discovery of a vividly colored leaf, watching a friendship develop, etc. etc.).
So I pause on the search.
Decide my "job" right now is mommyhood.
Decide to work on dedicating more thought/energy into the kids.
At the moment most of my kid oriented energy is poured into ways to get them to entertain themselves.
So that whole- quantity vs. quality time....
I am spending a lot of time in the same room with them but I'm not really with them.
Trying to work on that.
But know also that it will probably never be enough... for me or society's idea of The Mom.

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