Friday, November 21, 2008

Complete 180

Remember this post?
Yeah, the one I wrote, ummm...
2 days ago.
I'm changing my plan
I think 1/2 my problem is that I'm worried about what other people will think.
I'm worried about what I'll think of myself.
We've always said we didn't want the kids in daycare because we want to raise them.
We had kids for a reason- and that reason wasn't to send them off to someone else.
But I've been reassessing this stance lately.
Research is showing that kids "raised" in daycare are the same as kids raised solely by their mothers.
Research is also showing that while working mothers struggle more with guilt, they don't have self confidence issues once children are older, like stay at home moms do.
I've also read the argument: how/why is it a bad thing to introduce more loving adults into your childrens' lives.
I've been super concerned about what Ren Man thinks/wants.
He keeps saying: "what do you want?"
What I want is for him to tell me what he wants.
Last night we talked finances.
We always knew with the bigger/nicer house and nicer car I would need to work- at least part time.
But I'm feeling so disjointed with this sub thing.
I make plans and inevitably within 5 minutes the woman calls asking me to sub the next day.
When I can, I change my plans.
But this is driving me crazy.
I also feel like part time work is looked down upon and is it worth the hassle at that hourly rate?
So I sent out two resumes today.
Just two.
I'm nervous and half expecting not to hear anything back.
Both are long term sub positions.
Like a test drive.
Minimal commitment.
After Thanksgiving I'll follow up.
If they don't seem to be going anywhere maybe I will send out more.
I'm really really going to miss the kids.
But at the moment I'm really really missing myself.
And if I keep going on being the mom I've been for the past month or so (not good)- I know someone can do a better job.
The last few days have been better.
I think because I've had playgroup, I've subbed once, we've been talking about me taking on a full time job...
Now we wait.
I think either way I'll be okay.
If it happens- great.
If not- great. I'll keep subbing until something else happens.


canuckmommy said...

Oh, I wish someone would tell me right now that I am a good mother and not to doubt's a hard job and even harder when you are trying to balance work. You know deep down why you have made the choices you have made. Try to find some minutes in the day when you can collect and ground yourself. I have been having some very hard mothering moments lately and am feeling some of the same things. I'm not sure what research you are referring to because I haven't seen any supporting what you are saying. Gordon Neufeld talks about having an attachment village in "hold on to your kids" but I think you will find that his research doesn't support what you are talking about. Take care.

caitlin said...

When I'm not busy being plagued by doubt and guilt, I remind myself that I feel like a better, more engaged and balanced person because I work "outside the home" as well as inside, and I just have belief that also makes me a better, more engaged and balanced mother. Right? much easier said than believed, and I have to remind myself constantly, but I really do think it's true. I think.

QueerBabyMaking said...

Your post is speaking right to my heart! I struggle with these questions constantly- does wanting to work outside the home make me a bad parent? Does wanting to stay home make me less of a person? How do I maintain my sense of self while caring for an infant all of the time? How do I feel good about my parenting if she's in day care? How do we make *any* of these options work financially?

Looking forward to talking about these things at book club...