Pregnancy and what I don't want to forget

Not too much longer now, and unlike with Del's pregnancy, we know the plan is to not get pregnant again. (With Del, we didn't have an opinion either way about whether that would be the last pregnancy or not ... until after she was born).
I always tell photography clients who are seeking a maternity shoot that this time is so relatively short in comparison to life. It's hard to remember looking back that you actually had that baby inside of you and your belly grew to accommodate your baby. It feels long in the present, but it's just not. Pregnancy is fast.
So I'm trying even more so to live in the moment, relishing every pregnant detail.
This time I'm waddling. A first. And it started around 20 weeks gestation. I've realized this has nothing to do with how small or big I am, just how loose my pelvis is.
Everyone comments on how tiny I am. And to be fair, I have a hard time gaining weight (this is largely due to a restricted diet that comes with gestational diabetes. At least, that's my theory. I think of oreos, doritoes, tacos, pasta, etc were part of my diet, it wouldn't be so hard to gain and keep weight on.).
I want to wear a shirt that says: "I'm 8mos pregnant. Yes, really."
And even when people are saying: "you're so small!" - I feel like I look huge. I know "huge" is culturally a negative thing, but not in this case. I can't believe how much my stomach has stretched. I keep feeling amazed that my body has done this!
I can't walk as fast. And I'm often out of breath more quickly.
But I also don't realize how much I'm doing until I sit down and realize my body is tired!
It's harder to squat than last time (say for milking - although I wasn't milking last time, I was faithfully squatting to prepare for birth).
When pregnant, it seems the rest of my body gets smaller, my muscles become more defined, and my belly grows.

This baby seems to be the most active of the three pregnancies.
I try to keep this in perspective - I'm experiencing this pregnancy now, and memories fade. So maybe I'm exaggerating? But I don't think so. They say that babies form a routine in utero and take naps.
I don't think this one naps at all.
Ever.
It's constantly constantly on the move.
You can see it bump, nudge, and rub my belly as my skin moves across my uterus.
And it can be intense. This is a strong person and I'm seeing a lot of heel pushed up against me, I'm guessing.
Even intense movement, I want to remember. How amazing to think there is a person inside of me!

Braxton Hicks are real. This time. And all the books/websites say Braxton Hicks are "mildly noticeable" at worst. That's a lie. They are most definitely noticeable. And if this was a first baby, I'd have been the mom who cried labor multiple times already. The pressure from these contractions wakes me in the night. That's not "mildly noticeable". And if there isn't a bathroom nearby - watch out! The contracting uterus puts intense pressure on my bladder. When we're out and about (say, in the car), this can be awful. I take a deep breath, shocked by the sudden need to empty my bladder, while trying to relax through a Braxton Hicks.
The children find this incredibly funny ... after Ren Man told them the baby finds my bladder and squeezes it and says: "oooh, this is squishy squishy!" So now the children will randomly say to me: "squishy, squishy" in a sing-song voice. As a side note: laughing while trying not to pee is really hard.

This baby has been head down with its back to my right, and feet and hands pushing on my left side. It's not uncommon to get a jab to my bladder, or a head (I presume) rolling across my bladder. Hiccups happen occasionally - maybe once or twice a day. I remember Noah having hiccups and it was painful because it was right under my ribs.

Physically, I feel great overall. Yeah, it's harder to breathe and I'm starving one minute and two bites later feel super full ... only to be starving 20 minutes later. And the gag reflex is still intense at times.

Colostrum happens before the baby comes. I can't believe how full and ready these milk makers look and feel!

The hardest thing about this pregnancy has been diabetes. I'm so so relieved that my numbers have been fine after some weeks where they kept creeping up. I think what made a difference was increasing veggie intake significantly (a large salad a day). I'm sure experience has also helped, I know what works and what doesn't and just hammering that out has been huge. For example, conventional gestational diabetes advice includes a night-time snack - as in, right-before-bed, to decrease the risk of "dawn phenomenon" where your number spikes in the morning. I found that a night time snack doesn't help, and seems to increase my fasting number. So if I'm hungry before bed, I'll eat something small, but my number is lower if I skip the night-time snack.

Diabetes has been so stressful because it limits my diet, making food an obsession. You have to think about every.single.bite and its potential effect. For a few stressful (and tearful) weeks when those numbers kept inching up, it was very frustrating. What more could I do?! If my numbers didn't come back down, insulin talk would begin. If insulin was started, then the homebirth was off the table. And that was very discouraging.
Ren Man started doing (even more) research and found that people on low carb diets will have a sugar numbers without huge swings post-meal. What this means for fasting numbers is that they tend to be higher than the conventional norm. This doesn't mean it's HIGH though, in comparison to the conventionally recommended diabetes diet (that includes carbs).
After seeing this, suddenly my numbers weren't so scary and even started declining into that conventionally expected range (this all refers to fasting numbers as post-meal numbers were always more than okay - they need to be below 140, and were typically below 100). Which speaks highly of the effect stress can have on those numbers!

In light of gestational diabetes, the midwife asked that I see an OB she trusts for a second opinion. I was nervous. An OB!! She ended up being really authentic and as mellow an OB as can be, I'm thinking. She did say she wanted an ultrasound. My feeling is - it shouldn't just be done to be done, there should be a purpose. And the big concern with diabetes is a big baby. I'm measuring over 2 weeks small based on fundal height. But that has wiggle room for inaccuracy - as does everything. Ultrasounds are no different - I've read they can be up to two pounds off. So telling someone they are having a 10lb baby, could really be an 8lb baby ... or a TWELVE lb baby!
The ultrasound happened at 32weeks when the average baby is 3.75lbs. This baby was 3.5lbs. Well, inaccurate or not, it was nice to have an ultrasound show a smaller reading rather than a larger one.

So here are my baby predictions: I think it's a girl, lots of dark hair, hoping for blue eyes, she'll come early (I'm guessing June 13 - the day after our last wedding, or June 21 - the day after our annual solstice party) .... but this baby has been a surprise all along and if it's small then maybe this is the baby that will go past my due date?, she'll be 7.5lbs (smallest baby yet). I'm nervous about how active this baby is! We'll see how that plays out after birth :)

I'm so relieved that we're homebirthing. No matter what, there will be a baby. I know. But the thought of just birthing without having to over think anything (is this it? Or not yet?) or stay on guard to be sure silly things like wearing your own clothes or eating when you're hungry can happen.

Is there anything else I'm going to forget about pregnancy? It's hard (and I had forgotten that) and it also feels so empowering. I'm growing a person. I'm going to birth a person. Our family will grow. And my diabetes sugar numbers are awesome.

Why I think I might be an anarchist

The definition of anarchist according to thefreedictionary.com is:

anarchist [ˈænəkɪst]
n
1. (Government, Politics & Diplomacy) a person who advocates the abolition of government and a social system based on voluntary cooperation
2. a person who causes disorder or upheaval

I think generally I'm a peaceful person - I like everyone to be happy.
But I also resent being told what is best for me when I don't agree with said "best".
This comes out in my thoughts about healthcare.
It seems unreasonable that choosing a homebirth which is statistically safer would not be covered by insurance and lead to headache after headache when trying to obtain birth certificates, etc. It seems unreasonable that this health decision is made by the powers that be when not only is this safer birth not covered by insurance it is also illegal in many states.
It seems unreasonable that when you choose to make an informed decision about vaccinations - if those decisions lead to a child not vaccinated on the CDC's schedule then exemption forms need to be filled out before a child can enter public (and private) school. Since when does school have control over private health care decisions?!?
So I think I might be leaning towards anarchy. It might be too chaotic, I'm not sure.
So anarchy lite? Thankful we can move to a more secluded life ... perhaps a culture that is not any more comfortable with alternative though ... While it will be a fight to unschool I don't think the fight will be as great as it is with healthcare decisions. (Don't even get me started on everyone's concern about health insurance and our secluded life where we work for ourselves - that's a whole 'nother rant!) Hopefully. I don't know though - we have a 4.5 year old as an oldest so no one is too worried yet. We'll see what happens in the next couple years.

the world shifts

I got a call around 4am yesterday morning.
A friend said she was having contractions and maybe I should come.
In the pre-dawn hours it was magical to think of how the world shifts a little to accomodate each new person.
I kissed my husband goodbye.
He reminded me that I needed to get the kids that afternoon so he could go to a meeting.
I asked him to swap cars in front of our friend's house after he dropped the kids off in the morning at their "school".
I mentally ran through that days to-do list and knew it could all wait.
It could all shift to another day.
Today was this baby's day of birth and that was most important.
Our car was out on the road when it normally is tucked into a pile of leaves on the side of the road in front of our house.
The lights were on at my friends house when normally the house would be dark.
Their bed was made in layers to accomodate the coming baby and its fluids.
The birth boxes were waiting in the living room.
Things not in their usual spots.
Everything shifts.
Priorities change in a moment.
All for a baby.
It's magical.

The birth was incredible but it's not my story to tell. My story is just the part where I was amazed to be present. I'm often feeling haried. Racing from one commitment to the next. So refreshing to think: is this all THAT important?
No.
It can all wait.
All of it.
That's a relief!

Congratulations Momma, Daddy, Big Sister, and Baby Sister.

Pushed

Everyone and their brother should read this book... and their mother, sister, father, husband, friend... well, everyone!
I'm not exaggerating at all.
This book is obviously particularly pertinent if you plan on ever having a baby or perhaps plan on knowing someone who will have a baby.
What's shocking about the information in this well written and researched book is that so many (I would argue 99%) of people take what the medical community says as truth never questioning them.
This is sad.
Truly.
I have had two wonderful births.
I wish I knew then what I know now.
I can't ever go back a re-do my births- and in comparison to most I had amazing births!- but if I can help anyone else start a little further along on the road to informed consent BEFORE entering the dizzying world of maternity care then it's been worth the ride so far.
What adds to my concern around these issues is the fact that even women who are actively seeking information still often end up under the knife.
At a recent playgroup that is geared towards Mothering parents, a self selected natural living type of parent- 40% of us had had cesareans!
That shocks me.
These are women who are typically proactive in their maternity care and very pro natural everything- and yet 40% had c-sections!
As with all discussions about maternity care and the dismal state it is in in our country I feel compelled to insert a disclaimer reassuring all that yes- c-sections have their place and thank goodness they are available for those that truly need them- but 40%?!?!
No.
40% of American women are not somehow unable to birth children naturally.
That's impossible.
Our species would die out.
It makes absolutely no sense.
And it's not just c-sections.
It's routine fetal monitoring, the flat on your back position, the routine IV, the expectation that you WILL need some sort of pain killer... the list goes on and on.
Never mind the interventions that immediately follow births across the country performed on mother and baby with little to no information given to parents describing the risks and benefits.
The fact that the majority of births are attended by ob's in this country is frightening.
Ob's are surgeons.
They perform surgery.
And they are very good at it.
In a good way (I'm not trying to be facetious).
In light of the fact that they are surgeons they should not be asked to administer to a woman in labor.
Labor is generally a long process that is on the mother's and baby's timetable.
Unfortunately doctors have a timetable too and two don't always mesh.
Being in the care of an ob when experiencing a normal pregnancy is scary.
I'm not exaggerating.
It frightens me.
The idea of seeing an ob for a normal pregnancy.
And yet the majority of women in this country see obs.
And what's more frightening- the sensible alternative- which should in fact be the norm- not the alternative- the midwife- is often illegal!
I should stop.
I could go on for days.
But the book has already been written.
Read it.
Everyone.
If you need me to buy it for you- I will.
Better yet, borrow it from your library.
I did.
Well- I borrowed it from my library to be honest- but yours will hopefully have a copy also.
It was so good.
I bought it.
So if you need a copy- I have one.
Read it.