3 examples of disrespect

I will use Headstart as the example, although similar (or the exact same) things have happened through other service providers.
I assume this is a low income thing - you are treated disrespectfully in these ways because you are presumed low income (a correct technical assumption for us, but not the same, I don't think as culturally low income).

Example 1:
Our child comes home smelling like sunblock. This is the first we knew about sunblock use at our child's preschool. In our past experience, we would have received a note home for us to sign giving permission to use a certain brand (likely organic and "all natural") of sunblock on our child. Not at Headstart. Kids are sunblocked up with knows what, without our consent.

Example 2:
Our child is provided breakfast, lunch, and snack. The food could be worse. But ours is better. By far. But we bite our tongue, and minimize the fuss we want to make over the food choices (graham crackers and juice for snack anyone?), food sources (what's seasonal? what's organic? what's local? what are these questions?!), and food preparation (the person who cooks the food smokes regularly in her car and does not pre-wash her hands). At one point, we asked if Child F. could be limited to one serving. She was gaining weight very quickly (that's what happens when you are not fed adequately and then suddenly a buffet appears) and we knew we would prefer to fill her at home with whole foods. We were told that the policy is for every child to be allowed at least seconds (the children serve themselves so choose their own portions) because for many children this is the only food they get all day. Apparently the policy is rigid. We didn't talk about perhaps sending Child F.'s food home with another child. We've never been asked for input on the menu choices.

Example 3:
Twice we have received notice of a parent-teacher conference days before the conference. The first time, we were told when the conference would be and that it would be happening at our house. Um, okay. Thanks for respecting me with a CHOICE. The second time, our child missed the day the notice was sent home and I was called an hour ahead of our conference time with apologies and stating we could reschedule. No, that's fine, we can do this. Oh, and this time it's at the school.



The assumption that one can put sunscreen on a kid with who knows what chemicals in it. The assumption that any food is better than no food (which I would concur with, but you can't tell me you can't do better - grow a garden at the school! That's a start!). The assumption that parents are sitting around with nothing on their schedules available at a moments notice for a meeting.
This all feels completely disrespectful. Except no one says anything (I'm guessing). Because they don't know? Because they are so beat down? Because there are bigger issues in life?

It's not hard: think ... Would I like it if someone did this to me?

Would I like it if someone made the choice to put a cream on your kid?
Would I like it if someone fed your child substandard food and insisted they have access to all they wanted?
Would I like it if someone sent me a note informing me of a meeting time without any input from me ... and worse, only sent the letter giving me minimal time to rearrange my schedule?

And now I'm 31

I meant to do a "EEK! I'm 30!!" blog post a year ago. Last year my mom threw me a surprise party that was so fun and unexpected! I remember loving seeing our community of friends come together to celebrate - even though we'd only been in the area for about a year. I was also sad because we'd only had one foster placement up to that point (that had turned out to be very short) and it felt like we'd never get a placement.

Twenty days later and Child B and Child C arrived. It's been a life full of fostering (among other things!) since ;)

I was sad a year ago to feel like life was rushing by and there was still so much I wanted to accomplish.

But now at

I'm feeling much more settled. Our children are awesome, we're farming, our photography business is growing, and Ren Man and I can't get enough of each other. We love spending time together and we love spending time with our kids. We've talked about going away for our birthdays or going away for our anniversary - but we'd want to bring the kids too.

Oh, and I have a camper.
I drink more coffee, I sleep less (but would like to sleep more!), and have maybe a little less energy - but not much! Oh, and the grey hairs, they're here now (although I think they look more white). Once there were more than 3 or so, I gave up. Just embrace it.

So turning 30 was scary, but at 31 ... I've got this. Yay for this decade of being 30-something!

Married: 9 years

 

Back in May we were amazed to realize we were standing right on the date when we celebrated our wedding NINE years before. NINE years is a long time - and that makes us feel pretty old - or we were just super young when we got married - or both, I guess.

But that was a month after we'd suddenly become a family of six and with a brief: "wow, can you believe it's been NINE years?!? I love you", we felt satisfied in our "celebrating".

Because you tend to hang out with people who have kids similarly aged to yours instead of similarly aged to yourself and because people tend to have kids a few years after they get married our friends tend to be married around the same length of time as us.

It hit me on reflecting on this that many have divorced (more proof that we're old, quite frankly) and many have had marriage challenges.

But we haven't. There's never been a time in our marriage that I couldn't stand my husband. There's never been a time where I wanted to have a break from him.

Here's the difference in our relationship and our comparable friends relationships: we've always created a life where we maximize our time with each other. Things have come secondary to time together. In most relationships couples are separated for 40+ hours a week by the necessities of a job. We always say: we didn't get married to spend so much time apart! We want to be doing life together.

There have been short times in our marriage where we worked separately but it's always been relatively short term for this reason or that.

Everything has its pros and cons, right? And this is one of those things. But a big pro of working together is that we spend a lot of time together, we have common goals, we have a pretty clear understanding of what the other person is experiencing.

Lately Ren Man has been working 40 hours with a 45 minute commute. I've been farming. I've been doing most of the photography. I've been parenting. How do people do this long term? It helps that Ren Man knows exactly what the intensity of my workload feels like. And I get what it's like to feel the pull of work and the pull of home (he says he doesn't actually have this problem because both are so demanding he doesn't have time to think of the other while at the opposite - did you follow that?). I do not imagine him standing around shooting the breeze with colleagues while sipping cocktails as clients pat him on the back and thank him for his wonderful work. He does not imagine me sitting in bed, getting pedicures, and blogging while the children watch movies and eat chocolate.

And this summer has been probably the hardest on our marriage - even knowing what we know about the others life right now - just because we don't often see each other! This is way harder on our marriage than the heartache over Vermont because in Vermont we were mostly on the same page. Now we sometimes don't even know what book the other person is in because we're not in the same library any more - am I taking this analogy too far? ;) But here's the thing: even if we're not as in sync with each other, we're still pretty knowledgable about the other, we both miss each other like crazy, we're both trusting that the other is doing their 100% in all this crazy life, and we both know this isn't our forever. There's a TON we're doing right now to build the farm - and the farm is the primary stressor, I think, just because the demands are so great and the profit is impossible right now as we build the infrastructure for the farm. But it's coming and it's exciting and we're committed - to the farm and each other.

So the secret to our marriage that has included disagreements but has been smooth sailing? Time. We just spend a lot of time together. If someone asked what we had in common when we first got married I wouldn't have been able to answer. We just really like being together. Now I would say we have similar values. It was true back then, but I didn't know how to say it.

I really love this guy - the one I never would have picked - and I'm so proud of our relationship. We often say to each other: "I really love us". What we mean is: this is exactly the relationship I want.

 

House of Four

Remember when we were the house of two?
I realized recently that we are now the house of four.

Four dogs.
Four kids.
Four cows.
Four calves.
Four pigs.
Four grownups.
Four Bedrooms
Four Cats.

My brother has been living with us somewhat temporarily and we have one barn cat. But we're mostly all about four. We had three four year olds at once too ... but one of the four year olds had a birthday. It happens ;) Maybe by the time he other four year olds are five we'll have to think about becoming the House of Five ;) I don't think if I can do another dog though ...

I'm just sayin'

I'm finding myself in a position where it's hard to blog. We are are trying our best to do the "right" thing. Our goal in life in general is to make the smallest footprint on the planet while making the world a better place for all. Lofty goal, I know. But every decision we make is filtered through that lens.

But it feels like in many areas of our life there is some "authority" that is immature, and yet we have to acquiesce to their silly preposterous demands/decisions because they misconstrue our intent and assume we're somehow out for personal gain. When we realize their underlying belief about us that leads the "authority" to make their asinine decision we find ourselves reeling. It's so discouraging to see that not everyone views us in the best possible light, as we think we try to do with everyone else. I think people generally approach others with the idea that everyone is like themselves. This means that when people assume we're out for personal gain, should we not assume the same of them? And this is scary to me and sad - that these "authority" figures that I've respected up to this point, show their true colors - and it ain't pretty.

And yet, I feel that I can't be more open in blogging because I don't want to stir up any more dirt because I've been burned in the past (see comments) when someone didn't like what was said on the blog but didn't know how to confront me personally. But then frustrating that an experience like that could shut me up. But it has. And I hate that!

So I resolved to write about our day to day - twice a week. That doesn't seem to challenging, right?
But then I find the things I want to write about (that I hesitate to even give examples about!) are the things I must sensor ... but they are things I'm thinking about and feel affected by daily.

All that to say, I'm trying to figure out what's "safe" to write and what isn't worth the risk. It's a challenge when we foster (lots of confidentiality - which is reasonable and I'm used to given past work experience, but fostering is so all encompassing because you're including a person into your life so deeply and fully and constantly), every friendship has its rocky points (and who wants "dirty laundry" aired), we're trying to stay out of farmer's market drama (which dovetails into the general underbelly of the local food movement) but I definitely have opinions), we met with ag and markets to discuss our cheese making plans (which was something I didn't feel I could talk openly about - not knowing how it would turn out and hearing scary stories ... but now that the meeting has happened .... should I blog about that here or on the farm blog?).

So I'm trying not to feel jaded while I figure out what to share and what this extrovert needs to keep to herself. I think it should all be an open book and I'm comfortable with that .... but not everyone is. This would be something to consider but not something to scare me off blogging ... if those very people weren't holding the keys to our lives. So frustrating.

Whew! What a ramble. Tell this person to stop blogging! ;)

Merry Christmas

 

Whew! Third blog entry saying "Merry Christmas!" ... some read all three (woven meadows, brown eyed photography, mommy do it) so I apologize for repeat pictures!

 

We're loving the snow (you should see the pyranese two roll around and frolic in the white stuff!) and the family time afforded us by the fact that Ren Man and I both work full time at home, the kids learn mostly full time with us, my dad works from home, and my mom is on school break! It's a full house! And then we've had a small solstice gathering, quickly followed by the arrival of my three siblings.

 

The unknown future continues to bog us down a bit but we're working hard on enjoying the day-to-day chores of farming, family, and photography while also anticipating the growth of our businesses and family in the (hopefully near!) future. I think the grass always seems greener ... in the future or in the past. I remember longing for our farming days when we were in RI and the babies were babies but also being very certain that that period in our lives was special and made sure to enjoy the present. In the same way, we're nostalgic about those baby days and dreaming big dreams of the future but also reveling in Ark Boy's sense of humor, Farm Girl's passion, our own relationship as best friends and partners, and just enjoying watching this all unfold in front of us!

 

We're thinking all all the lives we've touched and all the lives that have touched ours and hoping that even though we're far apart literally and sometimes figuratively from families and friends we have now and have had throughout our lives, that all of these individuals are feeling warm and hopeful for the future. We're also hoping our paths cross again in some way in the future and we're thankful for the every day we get with the friends who are near and dear to us in this moment.

Merry Christmas!

Joy

 

My mom recently pointed out that I seemed stressed all.the.time ... not joyful.

I answered defensively very maturely and explained rationally that I often don't see her until the end of the day and life is stressful. Figuring it all out is not easy.

I felt frustrated at feeling like I needed to defend someone else's perception of my emotions.

I feel joyful.
I think.
Don't I?

And if she's my mom, she knows me pretty well. So maybe she was on to something.

So I started thinking through the small moments that give me joy.

And also found myself feeling like I had permission to slow down and enjoy life more.
It is okay to sit down for five minutes.
Most importantly, it is okay to hang out with kids with no agenda.
I think I often feel like time with our kids isn't "productive" enough.
But then I feel guilty and frustrated for not spending enough time with them ... and wanting MORE kids.

I would still argue that my life is joyful, but I'm not always conscious of it. Instead there is the oppressive stress of moving forward, making progress, being decisive.

So I put my brain to work, ignoring all the stressful decision making I want to work through, and focused on joy.
Just that word.

Joy.

And it seemed an appropriate time of year to focus on joy.

When I'm up early for chores I'm so thankful that I was up and outside early enough to see the sunrise. I don't know why the sky thrills me so much - but it does. Every day. And an early morning is not hard to catch this time of year. I love the pre-sunrise dram of the sky. And the bright orange as it hits the barn window and I know the sun has just crested the horizon.

When I'm making and buying presents I'm thankful that we have what we have and suppress the part that wishes for more.

When we're enjoying a meal I'm thankful that so much of our food comes from a season of growing on our farm.

When our children beg us to stay in bed in the morning and snuggle I'm thankful they still would prefer to sleep in our bed than their own. I'm thankful that we have time on most mornings to hang out and don't need to rush into our day (despite aforementioned farm chores).

When my mom points out a concern, I'm thankful we are one of the lucky few in our culture that get such day-to-day contact with my parents.

When the phone rings and it's not a call saying there's a child that needs a home, I'm thankful that parents in our community are able to provide for their children in their own homes.

When the office is a mess, I'm thankful for a husband that can see the big picture and not get overwhelmed by the details of cleaning up.

When it's cold outside, I'm thankful that I have snow pants to wear over my clothes while doing chores. It means I can be a little sloppy with water and mess because the ice cold water won't get to my clothes underneath.

When we have lifestyle differences with friends, I'm thankful to feel affirmation in our choices, even if someone else wouldn't make the same choices.


It's not all easy. There are day-to-day frustrating details. But overall, I am choosing to live this life with all its pros and cons. The next step is to choose to focus on the pros and minimize the cons - even if it's just in my own brain.

What small daily details bring your joy?

3 Life Axioms

 

It has its pros and cons - everything does: age gap of children, living in the city, living in the country

It's not about you - often I think we think that a person is reacting to our behavior, when really their behavior is independent of ours. For example, when a friend stops talking to you for a while you assume it's because you didn't keep in touch better, or you stated strong opinions last time you were together, or ..., or ...
And it could be any of those things.
But often it's just that your friend got busy with their own life.

We assume that everyone is like us, until proven otherwise - I find myself frequently shocked that someone did not react in a way I expected - and I expect everyone to act/feel/think similarly to me ... until they don't ... and then it's a surprise. Sometimes in a good way (like when someone genuinely wants to scrub your toilet ... no that hasn't happened to me yet either) and sometimes in a not so good way (someone misunderstands your intent and is upset as a result).

These three axioms keep coming up in life these days.

Internet Woes

The good news: We have internet at home (and blog update hopes but I've kind of gotten used to this lack of internet ...)

The bad news: As patient as we were about waiting out for another internet option that was always just moments away ... we're getting mixed messages about internet options so in the end bit the bullet and signed with satellite despite concerns over speed, cost, and inclement weather affecting our signal.

So hi, I'll try to catch you up to speed on all we've been up to, what we're working on now, and what we're hoping to accomplish very soon.

wallpaper be gone!

Just a quick note (from Panera) - 6 rooms de-wallpapered and painted. Two to go.
This is not why I've been ignoring you.
We haven't made an internet decision yet (it's complicated) because we're not happy with any of the options and we keep thinking a better one will come through.
So we resist committing.
So no internet.
We're working on it.
I promise.
Then look out world - blogging will commence with vigor!

Kids, clean your room! .... ???

 

I'm struggling with how much to "make" the kids clean their room.
I understand that we've been in transition for almost a year and there is never a place for everything. We just haven't been diligent about organizing toys (legos go in this box, puzzles get stacked on this shelf, etc) because we always know it's short term.
Super fun.

I started telling the kids that we'd work on organization at our new house and that we'd have to all work on picking up our things. We talk about how it's frustrating when we can't find what we want or stepping on toys, etc.

The kids agreed.
We'll have a plan.
In the new house.
That's when we'll start.

We were talking about it with Ren Man and he said that when he was a child he never cleaned his room.
He thinks this is because the only thing the children in his family did in their rooms was get dressed and sleep.
So there were no toys in his room to make a mess.
He said one day he looked around his room and decided he wanted to clean it, so did.

In contrast, his cousin was required to clean his room before Ren Man could go visit or the cousin could come over to Ren Man's house. Ren Man is fairly certain this cousin still does not routinely clean his room.
I would argue Ren Man could be a little neater himself - but who couldn't?

At my house growing up most of our toys were in the living room but some toys were in our rooms and we had a healthy collection of books (books being a HUGE contributor to our children's bedroom mess right now). We were required to clean our bedrooms.

So I'm torn.
Require cleaning of the bedroom?
I think modeling ("Let's clean up the books because I'm noticing that they are ripping when we step on them. Can you help?"; "dolls go in the doll bath so we can keep them off the floor and Eden won't chew on them." etc)

Thoughts? Should kids have to clean their rooms?

I started drinking

 

The assumption is that everyone had wild party days when they were younger, right?
I didn't.
No, seriously.
I didn't like the feeling of being out of control.
I definitely didn't want to have regrets, think something is hilarious when it's not, or spend time and money on something so counterproductive.
It also didn't taste that good.
Mixed drinks? Okay, yes, yum. But not THAT yummy.
And people chugging and coughing or making "YUCK!" faces after swallowing a shot - what's the point? At least make it yummy.

Then my mother in law poured me a tiny glass of Irish Cream.
I wanted more.
I needed more!
My mother in law now feels completely responsible for my drinking habit. I think that's silly. I choose to drink the yumminess.

Yes, our life has been unbelievably stressful, it's true.
But the buzz or whatever wasn't the appeal.
It's like chocolate.
So so yummy.
There was a phase at the end of last year where I had a nightly cup.
Now I don't always think of it.

But when I do, yum.

And no, I don't store it in the washing machine, always.

Reflecting on 2011

 

I never ever make resolutions.
Brief reflections on the past year and some thought to future goals is all that's needed, generally.
Generally things are good.

When telling people about the blog I explain that, despite recent comments about my authenticity and lack of glossing over life's bumps, this is actually the best spin on our life possible.
So there haven't been many posts this year - in July and August there were no posts.

It's been a rough year.
But thinking positive in reflecting on this year:
we met goals like moving, farming, moving the photography business, starting homeschooling officially.
We've learned a lot and find ourselves more hesitant in assuming the best ... something we definitely want to reverse in the new year.
I sometimes feel like this year was a waste. This is not where we intended to be in December of 2011.
But then I realize that just like moving to Providence (instead of jumping right in with farming) this year was needed to get us to where we need to be going. We were adamant that this was the best place for us and our family and our farm. If we'd skipped this step - this coming back - then we'd always wonder if it would have been better for us to be here.
We have a lot to do in the next year, a lot of going back to how we were (the overall max stressed life has not done healthy things for our parenting or even our relationship with each other). I always say: "people first" ... and that hasn't always been possible this year. And it shows, sadly.

The House of Two

Two kids.
Two bathrooms.
Two bedrooms.
Two Parents.
Two Bean Bags.
Two dogs.

Then a cat showed up ....
So that messes up our house of two.
Oh, no.
It's okay.
Ren Man's Grandmother has decided she doesn't want our previous cat (that she originally couldn't bear for us to take with us) after all.
So now we also have two cats.

home (for now)

Wow.
When you think things can't get more hectic ... it does.
We're now living in our 4th house of 2011.
And Christmas?
When is that again.
Wait.
THIS month?
I don't have time!

We slept for the first time at Winter Hill House the night before Thanksgiving.
It's amazing what the change in house has done for my outlook on life. It's also funny because we lived in this house when it was first purchased early in our marriage for about 6mos - so it's funny to come back.

I love our paint choices for the living room and kitchen.

Our room smells like b.o.
Seriously.
It could use a carpet being ripped out, and paint.
It's our short term lay over until we move (again).
But I'll take the beautiful living room/dining room and kitchen.

 

 

And we're hanging laundry to dry again.

 

And rediscovering our canned/dried/frozen/fresh farm yumminess.

 

I cooked soup and bread.
Both were unappetizing.
What can you expect from a person who has been unable to cook comfortably for about 5 months?
The point wasn't necessarily the end result (although I was disappointed) the point was the process.
Is the double wide what I want?
It could work. Much better than I thought, even.
We would rip out our bedroom carpet, replace moldings, install a woodstove, buy a couch ... if this was our home for longer term. But that plan changed and we're happy (thrilled!) to have this time in our own home for as long as we need.
Now we wait for my parents house to sell in MA. Hopefully the wait isn't too long because it puts our farming on hold somewhat. I'm anxious to order chicks for next year because I want to get some of a breed that is limited in supply. But where to send them to? If we have to wait a year on them, that's okay. Or we can order them and have them sent here as we don't anticipate being too far from here.

In the meantime I'm cooking, cleaning, crafting, photographing to an extent I haven't felt able for months and it's soooo liberating!
It's our first house with a window above the kitchen sink.

 

We finally have our books on shelves (they've been stacked on the floor and in boxes at our previous house). We were never settled at Ren Man's grandparents. We were always still unpacking because it never felt permanent. Books on shelves is more settling.

 

The kids have a playroom that all toys stay in, more or less. And no, it's not neat all the time ever. But it doesn't matter. No one is is judging. And if they are ... no, actually, I don't think anyone is because judge-y people haven't been up to visit (we're still definitely in the throes of unpacking - we still have stuff at Ren Man's grandparents and parents).

 

And the view. Yep. It's good. It makes me sad to leave it behind and see what is being done to this land but focusing on the now. It's just a good view.

 

One step at a time

 

I was so thankful and reassured by emails after my last non-monthly-letter entry.

Overall the sentiment seemed to be: Your family is doing something amazing that you've been waiting for for a long time. You've gone into this very well researched. It's not you that's causing this, it's that you're left relying on others to make their move before you have the freedom to carry on with your life as you want to.

All of the emails put our life in perspective a bit more and was a great reminder of the support, friendship, and community we'd been central to in Providence.

So there's been some progress since the last post.
Not as much as I'd like (we haven't moved, for example), but there's progress.

I'll try to explain in short (but I'm sure this will get lengthy).

Housing~
We are living with Ren Man's grandparents. We chose to live here for several reasons:
A)Ren Man's grandparents live alone
B)They are 84 and 93 (the 93 year old is blind)
C)They fall once every couple of months or so
D)There has been an attempted break-in to the house
E)The whole 3000 sqft house is heated
F)Ren Man's grandparents do not use the upstairs (three bedrooms and a bathroom) or the living room (24x24)
These all seemed like good and wonderful reasons for us to move in. Ren Man's grandparents initially voiced concerns over the fact that we have children but came to believe that the children would be a positive thing and bring "life" to the house.
Mommy protectiveness held in check that someone would possibly think that OUR children would somehow lessen the appeal of US.

This living situation is not working because~
A)The television is on every waking hour (news ie this person was killed, this child was molested, etc AND the game show network - not so bad if it didn't have commercials)
B)The children are offered dessert and candy without our consent which leads to us having to explain why whatever sweetness is not a great idea right before bed
C)We can not on a whim decide not to come home for dinner
D)There must ALWAYS be a table cloth on the table (for kids to pull on)
E)We are told by Ren Man's grandmother that she loves having us etc, etc but told by her children that we stress their mother out a lot by being here because:
-We leave snacks out for the kids and don't pick them up (it's called grazing ... kid's do it)
-We leave the mudroom a mess (because we live here, so do our shoes)
-Other annoyances? Surely, but we can never be sure because we're not told directly, generally.
F)Often we're explicitly told one thing (don't do the dishes, you're too busy, I'll do them) and then we hear a complaint from an aunt that goes in direct contrast to that (my mom is upset that you never do the dishes)
G)Groceries. We were originally getting them for Grammy (she pays, we go get them because she rarely leaves the house) but I had to stop. I was seething as I picked up this diabetic woman's $166 worth of coconut, condensed milk, butterscotch chips, pie crust, frozen strawberries, etc.

I truly don't think Ren Man's grandmother intentionally says things to other people to hurt us. I think she believes what she believes (for example she's been telling everyone that her cleaning lady left because we were too overwhelming - "we" who she looked for every week, washed windows with the kids, teased the kids, etc etc - she's been told the cleaning woman has been talking about leaving for months (long before we arrived) but she's adamant that we are the reason she left ... not to our face of course) and ignores all other truth irregardless of how evident to those around her ... and her children tend to believe her and then they are frustrated with us on their mother's behalf ...

So I'm ready to leave. Let's do a yurt. It seems like the most efficient (least expensive square footage and non permanent) option.
Ren Man's dad has to think about it. Because it costs money. Even though he says he couldn't live with his mother either.

This leads us to ...

the farm
This is mostly what we're having to work through with his dad. He's like Ren Man I guess ... you tell either of them a new idea, results of your research, something you want to try and they say: "No, it won't work". A while later they often say: "hey, why don't we try ."
So some of this is that. Other things are bigger issues. Ren Man's dad doesn't "believe" in organic. His food is "just as good" as anyone else's. We try to explain that while he believes that, consumers don't. He is adamant that consumers won't spend the prices we have on our produce. We show him how our prices are low in comparison to other area farmers and that even if they weren't ... we're not competing on price.
We've asked UVM extension to come in to mediate and we've had one meeting so far. That's where it seems like progress. They came, they explained things that we've already explained to his dad, his dad listened .... we're meeting again in a couple of weeks. We're talking about collaborating more.
I understand. Ren Man's dad is nervous. He's been doing this for 30 years and then some kids come in who have read a few books and think they know everything. Milk prices are good right now, after all. And feeding cows corn maximizes output.
And then we go back to explaining.
It's all about trust, and stubbornness, and patience.
We're getting there. I think.

Big Family Dynamic
And the last component is very complicated but comes down to Ren Man's grandparents quickly running out of long term health care and Ren Man's dad only owning 1/3 of the farm ... meaning Ren Man's grandparents have too many assets for medicaid. So do we (meaning "the family" or more specifically Ren Man's grandparents and dad) have to sell the farm to pay for medical expenses before Medicaid kicks in? We hope not and have figured out how to buy the remaining shares ... if the other six children agree to The Plan. But The Plan means they will likely not have an inheritance. They all say they don't care about that. We'll see.

So we're talking about moving to the double wide that's on the farm. Something I said I'd never do. I don't want to live in a trailer. But more than that: I don't want the television on, I want to know who is coming and going (there's a revolving door here with Home Health, Family, a private nursing agency, a visiting psychologist, a priest, etc), I want to be able to leave toys around without feeling stressed because of what someone else will say, I want to be off this busy busy road ... the double wide gives us all that. Maybe we'll have to stop calling it The Double Wide.
And you can all come visit if when we move because there won't be stress about too much mess, or noise, or unhealthy food.

Life updated

It's crazy.
It's complicated.
We're going to be moving (again) in the next month (I hope it's really in the next week).
I'm nervous about sharing too much too publicly but this family stuff is complicated (no one says what they mean to your face, for instance .... I don't think it's intentional but it happens and that's hard, hard!).

So if it's viable to stay on this farm we'll likely be talking Yurt - we have to get on it ASAP because it needs to be a go before the snow flies.

If this farm turns out not to be an option there's a few other options to consider. One we'll probably choose over the other for now because house is already built (small, but there, and ours).

So it's hard to update the blog when this is all I've been obsessing thinking about. I apologize for minimal communication.

Breastfeeding Enthusiasm

So evidently I come across stronger than I think.
Some friends assure me that when I present my feelings around any parenting issue, breastfeeding included, I do not come across as judgmental - just presenting information.
I hope they are right.
Sometimes I'm not sure.
Like when breastfeeding (nipple shields, in this case) come up in a group of strangers, a friend overhearing my rants passionate explanations in the past is thinking: they don't know who they are deal with.
Or at least that's what she told me after.

Someone once told me that the further from pregnancy/birth and those early years the less passionate you'll feel about the issues in these stages of life.

Maybe that's typical.

Hasn't been the case for me.
I still feel incredibly strongly about pregnancy, birth, and the first few years.
I haven't figured out the preschool years and beyond yet. Maybe that's why the passion hasn't shifted.
Maybe it never will.
I can only imagine being a white haired farmer/photographer still involved somehow in the birth community.

On the other hand

I know I've been frustrated with gender stuff on the farm.
We've hired a new hired hand.
He asked if I come down to "help" often.
He smiled in a way that said: "that's cute" when I explained that I come every morning.
The original hired hand (there are two) has taken to saying: "Thanks for your help this morning" in front of the new guy - I was so annoyed with this the first day and didn't know how to respond. It's not like I hadn't already been going to the barn every morning for the last 4 weeks. And really, it's MY farm - not his, when it comes down to it.
So I started replying by saying: "Thank YOU for YOUR help!"

Anyway ... on the other hand - every.single.day comments are made to imply that Ren Man is incompetent in the house.
Someone heard vacuuming upstairs when I was downstairs and said:
"Wow! You trained him well! He vacuums?!?!"
Me: Oh, he came that way
Her: Oh, thank his mother then
Me: I don't think she takes credit either

This person couldn't believe that a male would be able to clean the house too. Then this typical follow up:
Me: yeah, he cooks, does the laundry and dishes ...
Her: Wow, you're so luck, he's a keeper.
Me: Yeah, that's funny because if it was the other way around no one would be saying: 'wow, you're really lucky your wife made you dinner, she's a keeper!"

As I walked away I heard the woman say to Ren Man's grandmother: You know, that's true - no one would say that!

People are figuring it out.
We actually DO play on the same team. Sometimes (rarely) I do dishes, most of the time he does. I tend to do more laundry.

This is mind blowing evidently for our peers and generations ahead of us.
And I'll keep reminding people of Ren Man's competence in the home and he'll keep reminding people that our farming is also a partnership. They aren't Ren Man's bees, vegetables, pigs, chickens, etc. We are both working daily on our farm AND in our home.

A shift in attitude

Just one overheard piece of conversation:
-How is your daughter?
-Oh! She's amazing. She's so much fun!

As a child I remember overhearing grownups talking about how their kids were for sale, etc which in other words meant: I'm overwhelmed by my kids.
I never wanted that message to be sent to my kids.
But lately I'm understanding why parents said things like this.
We're busy.
Kids schedule is very scattered and their whole lives have been turned upside down.
So, I'm wanting to sell them.
Questioning us as parents and them as kids and feeling so unsure about how to respond to their whines, their screams, their kicks and hits ....

And then I overheard the above conversation.
It reminded me that more than anything I wanted to be a mom.
And they have given me that privilege.

It's my choice if all I hear is the whines or if I focus on the hugs, the reckless abandon as they run through a sun filled dandelion lit field, their quirks, their laughter, their big ideas, their enthusiasm, their smiles, the tugs on my legs ....

There is so much to love.
These children are NOT for sale.
Just reminding myself in the middle of a whine-y sentence that life is just as chaotic for them right now - and it's socially appropriate for them to whine, even if I can't ;)

So thanks friend for the above overheard sentence. That daughter sounds like she's as wonderful as her mother.