Wednesday, June 18, 2008

It's not fair

feeling resentful
Ark Boy is not falling asleep
Farm Girl is screaming in Ren Man's arms
Try to explain to Ark Boy that Farm Girl needs mommy
Ark Boy: "Mommy-lay-down"
Wait 8.2 seconds
"Mommy is going to give baby milk"
Ark Boy: "Mommy-lay-down"
Arm is grabbed by Ark Boy
Wait 2.2 seconds
try again
doesn't work
Ren Man comes to say Farm Girl is very stressed
Ask for 5 minutes
Tell him to bounce Farm Girl
Ark Boy still awake holding arm in death grip
Feeling mad at Ark Boy
He's two years
Farm Girl is two months
Who needs me more?
Insist on leaving Ark Boy
Ark Boy cries for 2.2 seconds
Calm screaming Farm Girl down in 3 seconds
Feel bad for Ren Man
Ren Man is working tomorrow at 6am
Move Farm Girl to cradle
Go downstairs to put ground beef in refrigerator to thaw for tomorrow's dinner because forgot to do it earlier
Back upstairs
Ren Man holding "fire" (pacifier) in Farm Girls mouth
everyone sleeping

Ark Boy calls for Mommy
Give him water
Put quilt on top of him
Sneak back to bed
Still feeling annoyed with Ark Boy

Farm Girl wakes for first feeding
So thankful for how much she sleeps

Farm Girl wakes for second feeding

Ark Boy calls for frantically for mommy
not thinking
rip breast for unsuspecting baby
go to Ark boy
try to offer water/quilt
hear Farm Girl get upset
Ark Boy insist "Mommy-lay-down"
Delirious Ren Man pulls me away from Ark Boy's bed
Ark Boy insists on mommy
Leave room
Re-attach breast to baby
Ark Boy comes to our bed
Farm Girl sleeping
Try to sneak out of bed with Ark Boy
Farm Girl wakes up
Ren Man frustrated
Bring Ark Boy to watch "Ark Boy TV" (home video)
Reattach baby

Ren Man takes shower/gets ready for work
Farm Girl sleeping
Too scared to try to sleep

Ren Man leaves for work
Hear Ark Boy: "Work! Outside! Van! Work!"
Go calm Ark Boy
Decide to bring Ark Boy to his bed
If he's not asleep by 7am will bring to shower
Look at clock
Too far away
No contacts
Can't see
Hmmm- looks like 7am-ish
bring Ark Boy to shower
Start computer
check time.

very tired suddenly.
DSL is painfully slow
check to make sure Ark Boy hasn't drowned
Ark Boy standing in shower spray hugging rubber duck
Check Farm Girl
Still sleeping
Feel mad/resentful/frustrated that she doesn't get as much cosleeping time as I want her to have
Miss her
check to make sure Ark Boy hasn't drowned
Ark Boy standing in shower spray coloring on shower walls with bath crayon stubs
must get more bath crayons
Wonder how long I can justify leaving him in there by himself
Think about cuddling with Farm Girl
Will take too long
Might wake her
Must wear her a lot today

check web pages loading
still loading
hate dsl
feels like dial up

get in shower
love shower
so does Ark Boy
must share shower spray
Ren Man has tomorrow off
hoping for solo shower tomorrow
maybe more Farm Girl time too

think maybe Ark Boy needs more mommy time
try to resolve to spend more time with him today
not sure what to do with him though
he's happy playing by himself
plus- he knocks down the block towers I make for him
say to self: Self, he's 2 -I'm 25
I'm 25

shower over
Bring Ark Boy to watch more "Ark Boy TV"
Feel slightly guilty
Feel very tired
contemplate getting into bed with Farm Girl
Wet hair
Bed- no good
should get dressed
having friends for dinner
want to make hamburger rolls and hamburger
Should start while Ark Boy is TV zombie and Farm Girl is sleeping

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