I was listening to hypnobabies to fall asleep most of these nights, which helped me get sleep instead of focused on when the next contraction was coming.
Friday morning there was still no baby (phew!) and we headed off to photograph a delightful wedding .
During the 2+ hour drive home I timed contractions at 4-10minutes apart lasting about a minute. But I hadn't timed them before and this may be about what they were doing all during prodromal labor.
No baby Saturday.
Sunday I went to Burlington and hung out with a friend I really wanted to see who is expecting a few months after me. I also had an engagement shoot nearby. The couple was great (we're shooting their wedding in September) and knew that the shoot might be postponed last minute. But no baby, so the shoot happened (phew!).
All official pre-baby photography business was complete.
All I wanted for my birthday back in March was prenatal massages. Our parents came through and I had one more massage. I was insistent I didn't want to NOT have it before the baby (in hindsight, a postnatal massage, while harder to coordinate with a new baby, would have been welcome too, I'm sure!). The massage was scheduled for Monday afternoon. Except I lost track of time and decided to start another tie-dying project so was rushing and slightly frantic by the time I left for the massage.
As I passed through checkpoints on my way to the massage appointment (oh. This was also over a week into a massive manhunt for two felons who had escaped from a nearby maximum security prison), I wasn't feeling so excited about the massage. It was on my "to-do" list, but usually I was so relieved and excited to be going to a massage.
Even so, the massage was awesome. I thought about looking up if the relaxing benefits of a massage would increase the chance of active labor starting. But I didn't want to jinx myself, so resisted looking it up. I really really like my masseuse who happens to be a homeschooling friend who I've spent more and more time with recently. But after the massage, I couldn't get out of there fast enough. I usually am so chatty (Del will confirm this, repeatedly) but I just wanted to get home. Back through checkpoints and I was feeling weird and a little scared to be driving.
My intention had been to clean up the tie-dying project when I got home. Instead, I walked through the back door and said: "I'll clean up later, I'm going to bed."
"Going to bed? You were just laying down for an hour massage!" Ren Man replied half in jest.
Focused, I climbed the stairs and fell into bed. I slept for 2 hours before waking and eating and then I started listening to hypnobabies again. Prodromal labor was on again. I asked Ren Man to go get the hook thing we could put on the closet door frame. I was insistent that I would squat for birth as I had for Del very effectively. So he put the hook on the door farm and I tied a wrap to it.
I listened to the early-labor track several times and slept off and on. Around 4:30 I felt a small gush and thought: "I think that's my water breaking". In the bathroom I saw that my underwear was soaked. I found this fascinating because in the previous births my water had broken well into active labor. Both times the water had had meconium. Which turned out to not be anything, except a reason for people to get a little nervous. This time - no meconium. I already had a water proof mat under my sheets and grabbed a towel to put under me too. Back in bed I could feel some more water leaking at times, but not a lot and not all the time.
There was a prenatal appointment scheduled for later that morning so I thought I should give the midwife a heads up. If there hadn't been an appointment I would have waited, I think, until contractions were coming and I was clearly in active labor. But I didn't want the midwife to come and want to stay but her not have her birth supplies. So I texted her a little before 5am, not wanting to wake her. I just told her she might want to bring her birth stuff when she came - but no need to come earlier than our 11am appointment. She asked what was going on and I said my water broke, no meconium, and not really a ton still coming, and not really active labor although I was contracting. She said to keep her updated. I apologized for waking her. She assured me she was already awake. We talked about how the baby's head may be limiting how much water is able to come through. The midwife said she was sending her assistant (a three hour drive away) and the midwife would plan to be here for 11ish as planned.
Whenever I peed water came. I put on a pad and for the rest of labor was surprised by how much water flowed. When Ren Man finally woke up I told him about my water breaking. He looked excited and surprised. I had asked him to set up the cradle for about two weeks, but he'd put me off saying the baby might not come for a while still. I noticed throughout the day that the cradle was put together in our spare room.
I called my mother in law to tell her that the baby was probably coming in the next 24 hours. She made arrangements with work and headed over (first back tracking to get clothes from home and then going to the grocery store to get cake-making supplies - I'd asked for a "birthing day cake"). I drank some water, and fairly quickly puked it right back up. Puking+contraction-at-the-same-time is not so fun.
When Del woke up, I told her the baby would be here in the next 24 hours. She was so excited and asked if she could tell Nina (my mom). Then she ran to tell Noah. "really?" he asked: "are you serious?!"
"Yes, YES!" she said all excitedly.
"Good, I was hoping we'd have pizza for dinner tonight!" Noah responded, knowing that I'd asked for pizza the night of the birth.
I puked again - stomach acid, and decided no more eating for me!
The midwife's assistant arrived and took vital signs. I was feeling silly because contractions were so manageable - even could be missed! Then I'd remember my water had broken - so things were happening. It reminded me of when I first found out I was pregnant and had to keep going to look at the picture of the positive pregnancy test, because it seemed so unreal!
Del and my mom left to pick up veggies and do our usual Tuesday farm deliveries in town.
The midwife's assistant suggested I eat. I explained that I didn't want to puke. She reasoned that if I was going to puke anyway - might as well be food, and not stomach acid. Good point.
I went downstairs to make some yogurt (meaning add sunflower seeds to some plain yogurt). I think I also decided to have strawberries and cream - because apparently I was hungry.
My mother-in-law arrived and I was so happy to see her.
I retreated again to my "cave" and listened to hypnobabies more, trying to encourage active labor.
Throughout the day the midwife's assistant checked my blood pressure, the baby's heartbeat, etc. The midwife arrived around 11 and asked if I wanted to go downstairs. No, I wanted to stay in my cave. She explained that she'd been under the weather so she'd be relying on the assistant even more than usual. I was concerned and wanted her to be comfortable.
Hungry again, I went downstairs and hung out with the midwives in the living room. Contractions were coming more regularly and clearly, but still underwhelming. I was feeling guilty that everyone was waiting and things weren't picking up speed! The midwife said this was very normal - for things to slow down during the day and then pick back up at night. But, I argued, the other two kids were born during the day ... but still this labor was not happening. The poor midwife was uncomfortable and she explained that she'd been in on again off again pain for about two years and it was getting worse and she didn't know what to do. As a result of the worsening pain, she'd recently not been able to sleep at night. She had planned on going to the ER and canceling her appointment for the day. She paced and laid down, trying to get comfortable.
Back upstairs I decided I was done and just wanted to start pushing. That's what had happened with the previous babies. I got to 10cm and pushed - there was no overwhelming need to push - but I was at 10cm and they said I could, so I did. Because at that point I wanted to meet this baby and stop doing this laboring thing! This time however, the midwives assured me no checks were needed, just push when I couldn't help it.
But maybe if I started pushing, then my body would just push on its own.
Ren Man came to check on me. I was hungry again. He brought cheese. It was around this time that I messaged a friend telling the friend I had met on Sunday, that she needed hypnobabies. I offered to lend her mind. She responded that I needed the book. I wasn't interested in telling anyone I was in labor, but I told her I didn't need the book any more because I had the tracks and laughed to myself ... if only she knew.
The midwife's assistant came to take vitals again and she asked about pushing. I explained that I just wanted to be done. She suggested I take a walk - the rain had cleared up. But I didn't want to get dressed and leave my cave. She was very supportive of whatever I wanted to do - if I wanted to walk, I could - if I wanted to stay in my cave I could. She encouraged me to get out of my head.
The midwife came upstairs. She asked about pushing. She firmly and kindly explained that the baby was coming, I didn't need to rush it and to let my body do it this time. It's so much better. Get out of my head. The midwife was staying until the baby came and that didn't have to be any time soon. We talked about how with Del and Noah I pushed because I was 10cm and wanted to be done. Waiting for my body would make pushing faster (not the 1hour+ experiences of the past) and more effective.
That pep talk helped.
Ren Man said he was going out to do chores. I said I wanted to go too. Dressed, I I told the midwives I was going outside to do chores.
But first, they said, let's do vitals. Again, the midwife assured me that labor would pick up again once the sun started setting. I encouraged her to go to the ER - and come back after, we still had hours until sunset. She told me that once your water has broken things can pick up really fast. She was managing and would go after the birth.
And then it was outside, with a quick smell of german chocolate cake as I went by the kitchen. Now if that wasn't motivation to get this baby out!
It was nice to be out with just Ren Man, and getting chores done.
First, as usual, we fed and watered the pigs.
Josh spent time picking up the rest of the limbs we'd cleared a month or so ago and added them to bonfire piles. I was so thankful he was doing this!
I had spent time looking through birth photography and wanted awesome birth pictures. Ren Man insisted he wanted to be the one with the camera. I pointed out that I wanted him IN some pictures. He reasoned that birth is about ME - not the dad, so he found the images of men looking worn out or focused on them rubbing their partner's back silly. But then he suggested we do a picture with both of us because it was so important to me - so we did, and laughed about it too :)
Back at home I probably ate again but also wanted to clean up the tie-dying stuff from the day before. We had tie-dyed in the "not garage" that is missing part of a wall where you can see out into the pasture. I noticed that it was raining pretty hard - but also very very brightly lit by the sun. So I checked, and sure enough - there was a rainbow!
Back in my cave, I continued with these manageable contractions. I was so discouraged! More hypnobabies. Del came and asked when would be a good time for Poobah (my dad) to go get pizza. I told her I didn't care, I wouldn't be having pizza that night, the baby wouldn't be here in time. She let me know I could have a leftover piece the next night. Thanks, kid.
So pizza was gotten and I decided to eat dinner - I was famished (again). I had wings among many other things (yogurt? a salad? and more - but now I can't remember, I just remember eating a TON!).
I decided to go to bed to get some sleep. The midwife said many women wake up in labor after going to bed - get rest while I can.
I fell asleep listening to hypnobabies while Ren Man put Noah and Del to bed.
Two hours later I was awoken by a contraction and started listening to hypnobabies again. I was so tired and wanted to sleep - contractions were still about 10minutes apart, but now I was being woken half way through them and they were overwhelming. After three go-to-sleep-wake-up-overwhelmed-by-contraction, I gave up on going to sleep in between.
Active labor had begun. It was 10:30pm. Suddenly I wondered why I had been wishing for this all day long. I suddenly wanted to crawl out of my own body. The midwives checked on me. Vocalization was definitely happening. The midwife's assistant said she didn't want to interfere with my instincts, but maybe - and here I wasn't sure what she was suggesting - some different kind of noise might be a little more gentle on my throat. But I didn't get what she was suggesting as an alternative.
At some point in here I told Ren Man I was too old for this and I was glad it was the last time.
Besides vital checks, the midwives were still downstairs and I wasn't sure what I wanted in terms of being with just Ren Man or having someone else there too. I threw up. Chicken wings (which is maybe why I know for sure they were part of my huge last meal). Then I started shivering. I wasn't cold, but I was shivering. I asked Ren Man for some more Red Raspberry Leaf tea and to tell the midwives I was shivering because I presumed they would know that meant we were even closer. At the same time, I really didn't want Ren Man to leave the room.
He brought back the beverage. I had hypnobabies in my ears but I was arguing with the woman, partly for Ren Man's benefit ("you're lying, this is not calm and peaceful!", for example). Soon after the midwife's assistant came upstairs and did vitals. She asked if I wanted to shower. No, no, I didn't want to do that. I wanted to stay in my cave. I remembered with Noah, the shower didn't make anything happen quicker and maybe slowed things down.
But then, okay, yeah - we can try a shower.
Oh, shower. I love you.
But when the first contraction hit, I panicked. In the bedroom I'd been leaning over a birthing stool during contractions. In the shower, a large stall shower, there was nothing to rest on. I grabbed onto one of the molded shelves on the opposite wall from the shower head and did a high squat. That worked. And I focused on the feeling of the water hitting my back.
The midwife's assistant talked about making different noises again. My throat WAS sore. I asked her to get my teeth brushing stuff. I kept coughing because my throat hurt and thought maybe it was from throwing up. In fact, insisted that it was from throwing up, not the noises I was making! She didn't argue with me (and I keep meaning to message her and say she was right - the next day - sore throat).
"Do you want to take a break from the shower, so you don't run out of hot water?" the midwife's assistant asked after several contractions.
"No, there's enough water," I said firmly.
More contractions.
"Are you pushing because you want to or because your body wants to?" She asked.
"I don't know," I replied, maybe whimpering.
I happened to see the midwife's assistant's face and saw she was dripping with sweat.
I realized I was hot!
So out I came and waddled to the bedroom. The midwife was waiting and the midwife's assistant listened to the baby's heartbeat again. Then they decided to listen to the heartbeat during a contraction. When the next one came, that once very helpful birthing stool paled in light of how the shower had helped.
"I need to get back in the shower", I said strongly and everyone agreed that the shower would be our next stop. As soon as the midwife's assistant called out a heartbeat number, I told her to take away the doppler. It was too much.
Suddenly things were intense. I reached inside myself and felt the head. I tried to push it back up.
"NO NO, never mind! CANCEL! CANCEL! I don't want a baby!" I yelled. (At this point my mother in law apparently went to check on Del and Noah. They said they were okay but Noah said: "I just want to get a little sleep around here!").
"I don't want this baby anymore!!" I said.
"Okay, you birth the baby and I'll bring it home with me," the midwife assured me.
I tried squatting, as that's what I did with Del and it worked well.
"No, no, that's not good! It's too intense! I can't do this, make it stop! I'm all done - I CAN'T!!" I yelled during a contraction.
"But you ARE doing it!" one of the midwives said.
"Keep talking, keep saying that!" I told them between a contraction.
As a strong sense of pushing started again: "can I try all fours instead, squatting is too much!!"
"Do whatever feels right," they said.
"But will it be less intense?" I asked desperately as I found a tiny space (our bedroom is small) to fit my body on the floor on fours.
"Ring of FIRE!" I said a few times as I felt the head stretching my skin.
I heard someone ask where Ren Man was. Someone said he was getting Del, who had said she wanted to be woken for the birth.
"DEL! Hurry!" I yelled.
I reached between my legs with one hand.
I felt the head coming outside and the midwives encouraged me to slow the head down to minimize tearing. I tried, but also wanted it over! I felt the head fill my hand; wet, warm, and covered with hair.
When the head was fully out, I was so relieved ... but also panicked that the shoulders of this obviously 15lbs baby were going to be as hard to birth as the head. Another slight push and the baby was out. (Ren Man said it looked like the head came out and then the body with no time in between.) The midwife's assistant passed the baby through my legs and I scooped it up to hold close. It was a little before 3am and pushing had taken about 3minutes. My water had been broken for 22.5 hours.
(Ren Man informed me after that I was ridiculous because it went like this: "I CAN'T DO THIS, I DON'T WANT A BABY ANYMORE hi-baby-you're-so-beautiful..."). I couldn't believe the baby was here! A head full of dark hair and a body covered in vernix - another first! I rubbed the waxy substance into some smooth baby skin and marveled. Then checked, and wasn't too surprised to find I had predicted right - a girl! Del was so excited.
Noah and Del had been quick to latch on and start nursing, not this girl. She had me laughing as she licked and squirmed but never latched.
I moved to the bed with some help. I started shaking again, but it didn't last long. Noah asked about the cord and I showed him how it was still in my body connected to the placenta. I was surprised that he seemed really comfortable with my lack of clothes and thankful for the opportunity to normalize birth.
Soon after I birthed the placenta that was put in a low baking dish. I wasn't too worried about birthing the placenta quick after birthing the baby in theory but the midwife said it would feel better to have it out - and she was right. With little effort it was out and it felt wonderful to be empty of pregnancy. The midwife suggested I take ibuprofen so I asked my mom to get some - with a few strawberries (my gestational diabetes left no room for fruit, so I was excited to have fruit - but nervous to have too much yet). Yum! Sweet strawberries!!
About this time I felt a warm stream of pee go down my side - a ton of pee! So we knew her systems were working.
There was talk of how much she weighed. The midwives had predicted 7.5ish lbs before she was born. I said 7lbs 3oz because Noah was 8lbs 3oz and Del was 9lbs 3oz and I hoped this baby was smaller. Now that this human was visible, the midwife said she looked smaller than 7lbs but no one was rushing to do a newborn exam. There was all the time in the world for that later.
The midwives disappeared. The grandmothers and Ren Man and the kids all gathered close. I'm not sure what everyone else was doing, I couldn't stop staring at this perfect person who had just been inside of me. I could not believe all the vernix, even thicker in every crevice. You could tell Noah was excited because he just.kept.talking. Del said she was tired but wanted to snuggle with Grammy for a few minutes. My mom went to her bed. Noah kept.talking. We told Noah it was a big exciting night but he needed to get some more sleep, it was the middle of the night. So he reluctantly went to his bed.
Soon I heard: "Mom, it's too late."
"What do you mean?" I called back to Noah.
"It's too light outside. It's morning time," he called back.
"Just try closing your eyes," I suggested.
I didn't hear from him again.
The midwives returned and felt how low the uterus was (hard and shrinking - yay). I asked about weighing the baby and they did that as Ren Man slept with his head at the footboard. She was 6lbs even. Unreal! I grew a little baby!! The midwife was so pleased - pleased about the baby's size and pleased she'd been present at the birth.
"how are you feeling?" I asked, remembering she had also been struggling physically this whole time. She assured me that they would go to the ER when they left.
The midwife stayed with the baby to do her newborn check while the assistant walked me to the bathroom. I was surprised to pee a ton!
With me and the baby settled back into bed, the midwives said their goodbyes, which felt bitter-sweet. The baby laid on my belly and I dozed, finding that I was so very tired. I was also hungry. I was half-asleep at times and half forgetting that the baby was outside now, because her squirms and kicks on my belly felt the same outside as they had when she was inside.
The next morning, everyone woke around 8am. Ren Man brought the most delicious sweetened yogurt with granola and strawberries. I took a picture of the placenta (our second lotus birth), still attached to our baby.
Noah grabbed the camera and enthusiastically took pictures for the rest of the day.
The moms grabbed the laundry (mostly towels) from the bedroom and whisked off the laundry.
All that heartburn had been for a reason. Her hair is exactly like Noah's as a newborn.
We got a good look at her eyes. Noah's had immediately looked brown and Del's were seeming more brown but was unclear. This baby has the more typical slate grey color...
Cruising through Facebook (and honestly stressing a bit about when and what to post), I saw that our midwife had posted saying that while she's very pro-alternative medicine, she was feeling thankful for western medicine as she'd had emergency gall bladder surgery. It wasn't hard to put two and two together - she'd gone to the emergency room after attending my birth and had emergency surgery! I don't know, I've never had gall stones, but from what I've been told by women who have birthed and had stones - stones are worse. It's like birth, with no break between contractions and no baby at the end! Wow, just wow.
When the midwives returned for a one day checkup, the baby was down to 5lbs 10oz. At her 3 day checkup she was 5lbs 140z.
Nursing this baby is like nursing for the first time. With Noah I was wondering if it was my positioning or an incorrect latch. Now I just know that it takes a week or so for breasts to be acclimated to their new role. And seeing her bounce back weight-wise was affirming. (And yes, my midwife who had had emergency gall bladder surgery after nights of being in so much pain she couldn't sleep, was at our house a day later to check on us.)
Our parents are always very respectful of our parenting choices and trust us to make the decisions we think are best for our family. Apparently this isn't typical.
Having said that, my mom had some reservations about a home birth which she balanced with her trust in me - not just to be able to birth but to have done the research about home birth. The next day, it was so cool to hear both of our moms say that they felt very strongly positively towards homebirth after witnessing this. They pointed out benefits that I hadn't even thought of - like the amount of attention and care received in your home, versus out of your home where the care providers are potentially responsible for many women at once.
The midwife pointed out that we got our small baby and our home birth. And it wasn't always certain this was going to end this way, given the gestational diabetes. She asked how I felt pushing compared when it happened spontaneously (like this time) versus with intention (like the last births). That soon after birth, I wasn't sure. It was nice to be done so quickly and for it to just happen ... but it wasn't so fun to feel out of control of the pressure being put on my body. With more time to think about it, this is the way to go.
Name: Rye Lorraine
Birthdate: June 17th
Time: 2:58am
Weight: 6lbs
length: 19"
Writing out my memories it became clear that the timing and/or details that I wanted to remember were at times fuzzy. Actual active labor to birth was about 6 hours - but it felt like maybe 2. So I'm not sure events are necessarily in the right order - especially during those 6 hours. And I'm sure I'm forgetting details. She'll be a week old tomorrow and I can't believe how fast the time has gone! I'm relishing every moment because Del and Noah are a constant reminder of how fast Rye will grow.
4 comments:
so beautiful Sarah! makes me cry with mothering delerium, honestly... such an amazing experience...
Thanks so much! It was so INTENSE! So thankful to have had the experience and thrilled to have the perspective of having older kids. Also very happy to know that was the last pregnancy/birth - a very different feeling from last time when I was excited about the next birth :)
Thank you for sharing Rye's birth story. The photos were beautiful and discrete. Love your candid descriptions. Congratulations from the Kyle Family.
Thank you, Marlene! I can't wait for you to meet her at camp :)
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