On racism and parenting

While I was off capturing another birth (yes, I do this. It's my favorite.) and feeling all good about the world, two men were shot and killed. Two dads. Within 24hours of each other. By police officers. Because they were black.

I used to be really concerned with our fairly white circle of friends- in that most of our friends look like us. We live here, where sadly our statistics show our area as pretty diverse... because there's a maximum security prison less than 5miles away- I'll skip the prison racism rant for now, that's not why we're here today...
I used to avoid talk of diversity- because then our kids would notice and it would be a thing.
Until one day, when Noah was around 4, he said he didn't like someone because their skin was dark (he didn't know skin was referred to as white or black .... because we weren't labeling).
Adrenaline rush (on my part) and trying not to stammer too much as I ask for more clarification.
It was true. He liked people who were boys, with white skin, and preferably brown hair.
I researched like crazy. This wasn't right. The plan wasn't working! We were raising a racist white male.
I found an article like this and this.
And we started explicitly talking to our kids about race. Taking ownership for what our race had done, the atrocities committed, the need for change - still! We worked at seeking out picture books that show nonwhite characters (this is harder than you'd think - randomly pull a picture book off the shelf at the public library, and 90% of the time, it's filled with white kids) - and not books that specifically talk about race. Just books that show kids being kids -even *gasp* - black kids.

And now, 6 years later, I hear words come out of my kids' mouths and feel reassured that the race inequalities shock my children. We have recently been talking about the insane number of murders recently .... but then also talking about how it's probably the average number of killings - we just have social media to heighten awareness. The kids make big plans to go to a black person's defense in a heartbeat. Our kids are angry. And they can be, at no risk to them - because they are white. I'm so glad that they get it. I don't have to be explicit about how incredibly horrendous this is. They get it because they know that people are people and each one is worth fighting for (if needed). That it isn't about skin color - in terms of who you stand with - but it is about skin color in that it's something we're really thankful for. We're thankful that everyone doesn't look like us and we're thankful we live in a country where this is the case to the extreme. Our kids get it. Even if every.single.neighbor is white. They still get it.

I recently told Noah the story of when he was four ... and how it made me realize we weren't doing this right. He was mortified.

But I keep feeling like we could do more. I don't know what - but if more killings are happening, then it means we're not doing enough.
And this simple list came up on my newsfeed. We have a responsibility, as white people, to be the change. Black people don't have that power. They've tried. But as the suppressed group, they only have as much power as the dominant group (white people) give them. Think about that. That's a big responsibility. Take it. Own it. Do something.

And especially as a white mother of a white son who will grow to be a white man .... Big responsibility. It's a conversation that we have to keep having. It's actions that we need to keep taking.

What are the conversations with your kids like at your house around racism? Around these recent lynchings? How are you addressing this?

Everybody says it - because it's true!

"That first year goes by so fast."

We've had such a crammed packed year with lots of changes - I can't believe it's only been a year since Rye was born.
I also can't believe she's grown and changed so much in a year.
But I'm also still trying to figure out how the first baby I birthed is now a 10 year old, the same size as me ....
Life goes by fast after you have kids!

The Worried Mom

In many ways, I'm so easy going with this new baby. I've got experience on my side. I know that babies are generally happy, healthy, and meet their milestones even with less than ideal conditions (see fostering).
On the other hand, I have experience. I've witnessed wonderful families face challenges of ill babies (or worse!) and babies that don't meet milestones. Rye feels like such an incredible surprise, so I think I'm holding my breath - half expecting a challenge - while knowing it's silly to worry and arguably a BAD thing - I should just enjoy this time!
So while looking up "baby not making eye contact" I hear cooing and glance down at my bright eyed infant, looking directly at me, and grinning big.
Stop worrying.

PS The outside of average is 3mos - not the time to worry yet.

That Lactavist smells like .... is it? .... yep. Formula!!

 

I feel passionate about breastfeeding.
If we're being honest, I would call formula poison.
Seriously.
That's how strongly I feel about formula.
It's marketed like crazy to trusting and/or unsure parents who have every reason to doubt their ability to provide for their child (because who isn't questioning their ability to parent when faced with a crying newborn?).
And nutrition?
That's basic.
So if I can just measure out formula and watch the ounces get sucked in by this baby, then I'll know they are being fed.
Because it's measurable and scientific.

Ugh. Ugh.
Women are not supported enough in their breastfeeding relationships, our culture is not set up to support breastfeeding ..... lots of reasons why I HATE formula.
Lots.
And the companies that sneakily push said formulas (because handing a mother a "free" diaper bag with formula samples on her way out of the hospital door is NOT helpful, because offering 2 weeks worth of"free" samples to mothers in countries where clean water is not guaranteed is dangerous) infuriate me. It's not about doing what's best for babies or families or the earth - all things I value.

To be less negative - the benefits of breastfeeding that we know about are overwhelming. So to have this clearly superior nutrition option for an infant who is relatively fragile, undermined by profit driven businesses is maddening. And those who feel as passionately as I do (and there are plenty of individuals who admittedly feel even more passionate than I about breastfeeding) do not gain financially and therefore do not have the funds to promote breastfeeding as aggressively as formula companies. So the "average" main stream American family has a little less than a 50% chance of breastfeeding their baby at 6mos and a 27% chance of breastfeeding their baby at a year - this is not exclusive breastfeeding (no solids, not formula supplementation) - this is receiving ANY breastmilk at all (stats according to the 2013 CDC breastfeeding report card).

When our babies were young I nursed them. Whenever. Wherever. In restaurants, the mall, the living room, the park, the library, the grocery store, walking on the sidewalk, etc. I remember one time in particular when one of the kids was over a year and needed to nurse. I was standing in the Square Mall on Church St. in Burlington, Vt having run in to a couple of college friends, none of whom were juggling a child or children. It being winter, I had several layers of clothes on. I didn't want to end the conversation with friends and felt that sitting in the middle of the mall would be just a little noticeable and awkward for friends. So I managed to wrestle my clothes and baby in to a nursing position, while standing and carrying on the conversation. Friends definitely raised eyebrows. But a baby has to eat and a momma needs to feed them - wherever, whenever, with whoever.

Having said all that ....
We now have a baby who has that stinky formula-fed smell. I feel my cheeks redden with embarrassment when I pull out the bottle in public. I want to explain to the check-out person at the grocery store that I'm actually a breastfeeding mom, but I'm buying formula to feed a baby I didn't birth. That sometimes, even when it's against what you thought you could ever do, you do it any way because it's best for the child you're raising.

Do I think formula is poison?
Yep.
Do I feed it to our baby?
Yep.
And I'm thankful for it?
Yep.
She came to us very underweight and is growing and gaining and maturing so quickly and by all measures, healthily.
Does it make me sad?
At first.
I'm more sad that formula is used when it doesn't need to be (and I understand that "need" criteria can be broad).
It's like c-sections (don't get be started on that!) - I'm thankful we as a society have the medical knowledge to perform c-sections when needed.
Do I think 32.8% of births in America require c-sections (keep in mind this is the country that promotes itself as one of the leaders in the medical field)?
No, no way. Not even close to that percentage.
But for the 2% that actually actually need c-sections - so thankful.
In the same way ... do I think 30% of babies should never have breastmilk (and the stats go up as the baby gets older)- no way!

Formula is there for a reason, use it when needed, and the rest of the time, leave it on the shelf.
And really? Cleaning bottles, runs to the store (30mins away) to re-stock formula, planning ahead to ensure that you bring enough formula with you when out and about, etc is not so fun. The other kind of scary part for me is: formula is static. Right now our 10mos old has a stuffy nose. The formula we feed her is not re-engineering itself to provide appropriate antibodies. If she's feeling thirsty (but isn't that hungry) it isn't more diluted to quench her thirst. When she's suddenly really hungry, the calorie count is the same as it was when she sucked down 4oz to fall asleep but wasn't so hungry.

If it was allowable, I would be seeking out donated milk and attempting to re-lactate. BUT, while I feel like all children are ours to enjoy for a relatively short term - this baby really IS on loan, and organic formula seems like the best compromise.

** This is just another example of: if you make bold statements, you may find yourself eating your words. I could NEVER imagine feeling comfortable feeding a baby with a bottle .... and now I do it regularly without thinking about it. I do cringe to see our big kids use toys as imaginary bottles to feed their "babies", but then my heart warms as they rock their swaddled "babies" making "shsshhhhshh" noises. **

Hawkin' a Loogie: A Secret How to

 

I've been sick.
This is the second time this winter.
And that's just crazy.
I literally did.not.ever get sick before kids entered the scene.
And ever since I those babies showed up with their big eyes and pudgy cheeks I'm usually sick at least once a year.

So I got some advice from Noah as I horsed out my words while reading Life of Fred insisting that today we really would only be able to do one chapter.
"Mom," he said. "I know what to do to make your voice better."
"You do?" I asked all husky and barely audible.
"Yeah, you just do this: *draws a bunch of saliva into his mouth loudly* and den dis" he says with his mouth full of saliva.
"What do you mean?" I asked.
"Then sometimes there's a thing in your mouth," he explained, "and you spit it out .... it's like what Ugug (my brother) does all the time."
"Oh, okay" I replied, not sure what to do next.
Then he lowered his voice and said: "I figured that out by myself but this is the first time I've ever told anyone."

Oh! The secrets mothers are told ....

Joy

 

My mom recently pointed out that I seemed stressed all.the.time ... not joyful.

I answered defensively very maturely and explained rationally that I often don't see her until the end of the day and life is stressful. Figuring it all out is not easy.

I felt frustrated at feeling like I needed to defend someone else's perception of my emotions.

I feel joyful.
I think.
Don't I?

And if she's my mom, she knows me pretty well. So maybe she was on to something.

So I started thinking through the small moments that give me joy.

And also found myself feeling like I had permission to slow down and enjoy life more.
It is okay to sit down for five minutes.
Most importantly, it is okay to hang out with kids with no agenda.
I think I often feel like time with our kids isn't "productive" enough.
But then I feel guilty and frustrated for not spending enough time with them ... and wanting MORE kids.

I would still argue that my life is joyful, but I'm not always conscious of it. Instead there is the oppressive stress of moving forward, making progress, being decisive.

So I put my brain to work, ignoring all the stressful decision making I want to work through, and focused on joy.
Just that word.

Joy.

And it seemed an appropriate time of year to focus on joy.

When I'm up early for chores I'm so thankful that I was up and outside early enough to see the sunrise. I don't know why the sky thrills me so much - but it does. Every day. And an early morning is not hard to catch this time of year. I love the pre-sunrise dram of the sky. And the bright orange as it hits the barn window and I know the sun has just crested the horizon.

When I'm making and buying presents I'm thankful that we have what we have and suppress the part that wishes for more.

When we're enjoying a meal I'm thankful that so much of our food comes from a season of growing on our farm.

When our children beg us to stay in bed in the morning and snuggle I'm thankful they still would prefer to sleep in our bed than their own. I'm thankful that we have time on most mornings to hang out and don't need to rush into our day (despite aforementioned farm chores).

When my mom points out a concern, I'm thankful we are one of the lucky few in our culture that get such day-to-day contact with my parents.

When the phone rings and it's not a call saying there's a child that needs a home, I'm thankful that parents in our community are able to provide for their children in their own homes.

When the office is a mess, I'm thankful for a husband that can see the big picture and not get overwhelmed by the details of cleaning up.

When it's cold outside, I'm thankful that I have snow pants to wear over my clothes while doing chores. It means I can be a little sloppy with water and mess because the ice cold water won't get to my clothes underneath.

When we have lifestyle differences with friends, I'm thankful to feel affirmation in our choices, even if someone else wouldn't make the same choices.


It's not all easy. There are day-to-day frustrating details. But overall, I am choosing to live this life with all its pros and cons. The next step is to choose to focus on the pros and minimize the cons - even if it's just in my own brain.

What small daily details bring your joy?

Activities with kids

In a recent post asking readers what they'd like to read about, Tiff said one thing she was curious about was what I did with the kids.

So this is it:























Not a lot.
This is a good example.




While I may have several things pinned on boards with I'm-an-active-parent-type names like: rainy-day-to-do (which has turned into a "kids activities/homeschool" board and summer to-do ... but in reality I spend oh-so-much-time doing everything I can to make playing-by-themselves happen. I felt guilty about this (and the infamaous Mommy Guilt still tries to take up residence from time to time). I loved babysitting other people's children. I couldn't wait to be a mom!
And now the children are here (and yes, there is a desire for even more!) and yet I don't have fun reading the same book over and over or playing house or working on the same puzzle over and over. I just don't. In fact, I find it frustrating because I have a to-do list whirling around in my head (house projects, creating, farming, photographing, meal planning ... you know, important stuff that I'll be really look back fondly on after the kids are grown).

Then I read a book (I can't tell you which one, maybe Our Babies, Ourselves? where the author studies various childrearing practices in indigenous peoples. One observations is that children are with their parents (namely their mother) until their mothers are pregnant again (usually when the child is somewhere between the ages of 2 and 4). At this point the child joins a gaggle of cousins who then raise the child. Children's work is becoming better children (not better adults, as I think we sometimes assume).
This reading made me realize that when I was babysitting I was a "cousin". As a mother, it makes sense that I may be less inclined to play with my children all day and that there is value in their supposed boredom.
So, while I have several ideas of fun activities I want to do with the kids, they aren't always as enthusiastic about my ideas as they have plenty of ideas of their own. And I have to work at being okay with this.

 

Kids, clean your room! .... ???

 

I'm struggling with how much to "make" the kids clean their room.
I understand that we've been in transition for almost a year and there is never a place for everything. We just haven't been diligent about organizing toys (legos go in this box, puzzles get stacked on this shelf, etc) because we always know it's short term.
Super fun.

I started telling the kids that we'd work on organization at our new house and that we'd have to all work on picking up our things. We talk about how it's frustrating when we can't find what we want or stepping on toys, etc.

The kids agreed.
We'll have a plan.
In the new house.
That's when we'll start.

We were talking about it with Ren Man and he said that when he was a child he never cleaned his room.
He thinks this is because the only thing the children in his family did in their rooms was get dressed and sleep.
So there were no toys in his room to make a mess.
He said one day he looked around his room and decided he wanted to clean it, so did.

In contrast, his cousin was required to clean his room before Ren Man could go visit or the cousin could come over to Ren Man's house. Ren Man is fairly certain this cousin still does not routinely clean his room.
I would argue Ren Man could be a little neater himself - but who couldn't?

At my house growing up most of our toys were in the living room but some toys were in our rooms and we had a healthy collection of books (books being a HUGE contributor to our children's bedroom mess right now). We were required to clean our bedrooms.

So I'm torn.
Require cleaning of the bedroom?
I think modeling ("Let's clean up the books because I'm noticing that they are ripping when we step on them. Can you help?"; "dolls go in the doll bath so we can keep them off the floor and Eden won't chew on them." etc)

Thoughts? Should kids have to clean their rooms?