tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9173549631732597583.post8872606679570369873..comments2023-03-27T11:20:34.301-04:00Comments on Mommy do it!: The Momma Bear has Arrived!Amateur Authorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01858022070892929225noreply@blogger.comBlogger5125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9173549631732597583.post-15973752489294015992014-03-01T18:12:47.943-05:002014-03-01T18:12:47.943-05:00It might help to think of it as if you were leavin...It might help to think of it as if you were leaving your child with a babysitter. Kids cry at that all the time and it doesn't destroy their attachment. Im pretty protective of the system because these are people working an emotionally brutal job and they get beaten on both sides..ashnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9173549631732597583.post-53565627119839392022014-02-26T21:21:03.648-05:002014-02-26T21:21:03.648-05:00Trauma comes in many forms. My only point is we ne...Trauma comes in many forms. My only point is we need the system to change the way they define our roles and understand the impact on the children. Yes, of course she is doing a great job and the best she can but her instincts are spot on. Hopefully some time in time the system will see the effect IT has on the kids.erinnnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9173549631732597583.post-78397787928577175362014-02-26T21:00:52.099-05:002014-02-26T21:00:52.099-05:00Ah if only it was a perfect world. Then you wouldn...Ah if only it was a perfect world. Then you wouldn't need social workers like me. Maybe one day, but in the meantime I'm going to keep reassuring my sister that she's doing an awesome job and is doing the best she can. These visits won't break the baby's attachments in and of themselves. It might not be as good as it could be but it's the best that it can be.Ashnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9173549631732597583.post-28312881857522049292014-02-26T15:39:41.505-05:002014-02-26T15:39:41.505-05:00Ash, I have to disagree. What I have learned from ...Ash, I have to disagree. What I have learned from raising a child, now 11, who was my foster child from birth with visits 3 x per week for 17 months is that there is damage that happens each time you leave the child like that. We are in fact breaking their attachment cycle each time. We are causing distrust and anxiety. It is an injustice to break this cycle. A solid or secure attachment can be transferred and is healthy. An ambivalent or insecure attachment especially when transferred is challenging and painful for all sides; child, siblings, and parents. If a child is to return to their family of origin we MUST give them the best chance of success. A secure attachment to transfer is the best we can offer. These children deserve healthy, secure, trusting attachments. When I walked away from my daughter while she screamed and wailed for me I broke her sacred trust. She was fragile with so much loss and hurt already. She needed that one person she could count on. She learned she couldn't always trust me. By breaking my attachment with her I certainly wasn't causing her to, in that moment, miraculously trust her birth mother and cling to her for comfort. No, she learned to distrust all, just a little... Just enough insecurity and distrust to lay just under the surface and make social interactions with friends and family challenging. So here we are 11 years later still working to rebuild that trust from early life. <br />What would have helped and been healthy - what I did with my next placement whom we had from 5 weeks until 30 months of age before she moved to her father - was co-parenting. She learned to trust them by seeing us interact with them. They learned about her from watching her interact with us. I supervised a large percentage of visits. Then it was more like 2 friends doing visits together. Both sides had to drop their jealously, distrust, insecurities. We are the adults, we have to have or make the ability. They are the children. We should make the concessions so they don't have to... When we got close to transition they came to our house, 3 x per wk then every night. They provided her plate to her and washed her face and hands at our dinner table. They got her in her pjs from her dresser and read her stories from her book shelf in her rocking chair. They put her to bed in our house in her bed; in the only bed with the only blankets she had known. She snuggled in safely to her favorite spot in her crib with her favorite blankie, watching the lights from her nightlight dance on the ceiling like she had for the last 875 nights before. All while her birth dad rubbed her back and hummed. All while we sat with the rest of the kids in the house in our living room just down the hall, reading stories or playing games like it was normal and expected. We built and transferred a healthy attachment. Now 3 1/2 years later she still comes to visit Auntie and Uncle 4 - 8 days/ nights per month.<br />The system needs to evolve to be more like this model. It NEEDS to be about the kids and THEIR best interest.erinnnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-9173549631732597583.post-14758430630070457782014-02-26T09:51:19.233-05:002014-02-26T09:51:19.233-05:00As hard as it is to see this, and it is hard when ...As hard as it is to see this, and it is hard when the child is distressed, learning to be with the bio mom is in the best interest of the child when the goal is reunification. Her sadness is hard to witness but it does not mean you're not still acting in her best interest by walking away. Her attachment to you is such an important thing because it shows she is capable of making attachments. It is important that she learn to develop attachments to her bio mom especially while she's still young. It will make the reunification transition a little easier if/when it happens down the road. You are awesome and these girls are so lucky to be a part of your world!!!Ashnoreply@blogger.com